Picture this - you just get home from work, you’re in the process of making dinner and your fifth grader is lurking around the kitchen trying to explain the latest classroom drama that took place today. You are hearing every other word, but trying hard to give your child as much attention as you can without ruining the recipe you are trying to follow. It sounds like the usual; So-and-So is excluding kids and saying mean things to your child and others.
Without giving it too much consideration, you say with authority, “Why don’t you try keeping your distance from So-and-So? Sounds like they aren’t the kind of friend you want anyway!” Your child shrugs his/her shoulders, nods their head and walks away. O.K., so you think you have come up with a fool-proof plan for a peaceful playground situation for your child and maybe you should even be consulted to perform similar miracles in the Middle East!
Well, you have done one thing, you have made your kitchen more peaceful and eliminated a distraction to one of the many jobs you have to perform tonight, but I can tell you, that advice, will not prevent further classroom drama for your child! It truly does seem logical because in our adult world, if we are fed up with an opinionated, insensitive or rude neighbor or coworker, we simply decline dinner invitations or steer clear of the work room when that person is in there for a break. Unfortunately, our kids do not have the luxury that we have to avoid the pest and stay aggravation-free! If the So-and-So they are referring to is in their class, they may be forced to sit at a table with them or be paired with them to work on a group project. There may be no choices for your child in this case. If they aren’t in class together, then the difficulties loom large in your child’s mind until it is time for lunch and recess when they are face-to-face with So-and-So.
So what is a better response? What can we say that will solve this problem? Well, I suggest that it will take a little more concentrated listening before we are able to come up with some words of wisdom for our struggling child. Asking about and listening to what So-and-So is doing and why they may be doing those things within the context of the social scene can provide needed insights. Also asking and listening to what your own Pride-and-Joy is doing in this complicated social dance can clarify a plan of action that may be the exact opposite of the isolationist policy that you advocated earlier!
Without giving it too much consideration, you say with authority, “Why don’t you try keeping your distance from So-and-So? Sounds like they aren’t the kind of friend you want anyway!” Your child shrugs his/her shoulders, nods their head and walks away. O.K., so you think you have come up with a fool-proof plan for a peaceful playground situation for your child and maybe you should even be consulted to perform similar miracles in the Middle East!
Well, you have done one thing, you have made your kitchen more peaceful and eliminated a distraction to one of the many jobs you have to perform tonight, but I can tell you, that advice, will not prevent further classroom drama for your child! It truly does seem logical because in our adult world, if we are fed up with an opinionated, insensitive or rude neighbor or coworker, we simply decline dinner invitations or steer clear of the work room when that person is in there for a break. Unfortunately, our kids do not have the luxury that we have to avoid the pest and stay aggravation-free! If the So-and-So they are referring to is in their class, they may be forced to sit at a table with them or be paired with them to work on a group project. There may be no choices for your child in this case. If they aren’t in class together, then the difficulties loom large in your child’s mind until it is time for lunch and recess when they are face-to-face with So-and-So.
So what is a better response? What can we say that will solve this problem? Well, I suggest that it will take a little more concentrated listening before we are able to come up with some words of wisdom for our struggling child. Asking about and listening to what So-and-So is doing and why they may be doing those things within the context of the social scene can provide needed insights. Also asking and listening to what your own Pride-and-Joy is doing in this complicated social dance can clarify a plan of action that may be the exact opposite of the isolationist policy that you advocated earlier!
Often, what I hear from kids after recess is a description of a power play between two players with the attention of a third player at stake. I ask the child about how they are feeling when So-and-So forces them to play with them and not other children. I ask them how they think So-and-So might feel when no one will let them join their games. I try to get the child to focus on feelings and then they are much better able to see where the behavior is coming from and how to change it. Avoiding and ignoring So-and-So may actually aggravate the insecurity So-and-So is experiencing and increase the possessive, annoying behavior. The feelings that you should be listening for and/ or helping your child identify are often jealousy, insecurity and fear that comes from a lack of trust of one person or another. Focusing your efforts on getting your child to come up with plans and actions to reduce those two feelings in themselves or others will be much better strategies to improve the chances of peace on the playground.
Perspective taking is another important skill your Pride-and-Joy may need to explore and improve. Helping them to focus on the other person and not on their own experience will help them develop empathy and understanding towards others. This skill is so important in building social skills and is a lifelong asset for your child. As parents, we tend to focus on what is happening to our child to the exclusion of what could be happening inside the world of the So-and-So that is creating drama for our child. When we do this and only focus on the problems or hurt our child is experiencing, we take away their role in the dance - and they always have a role! Empowering them with what I call Social Savvy is giving them the tools to look more closely at their situation and come up with better solutions to the difficulties they are experiencing. I always have the children practice using “I statements” that reflect what So-and-So’s behavior is making them feel. For instance, when So-and-So rolls their eyes when your child sits at the cafeteria table, instead of saying, “Rolling your eyes at me is so rude!” they could say, “When you roll your eyes at me, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel so uncomfortable. Could you please not do that anymore.” It removes the personal attack that So-and-So will almost certainly feel the need to retaliate against and also states exactly what your child would like So-and-So to do in the future. Role playing these scenarios and practicing “I statements” is so important because for many kids, they aren’t automatic or natural. It is of course much easier to point out someone else's flaws than it is to reveal our own feelings. 
One other important thing to keep in mind when you are trying to help your child navigate social land mines, is to keep your opinions about So-and-So to yourself! When you tell your child that So-and-So is incredibly ungrateful or super loud or terribly disrespectful after a play day, don’t think that those observations will not come up again when your child is angry at So-and-So at school the next day! It may be better to tell your child that you didn’t care for how So-and-So wasted food when you went out to eat or that singing that loud in the car can be distracting to a driver than negatively labeling So-and-So. Your goal is to make sure that your child doesn’t engage in those behaviors when out of your presence, but not to judge and label the other child. When we judge and label, it is like giving permission to our children to do the same thing - and they do!!
So what I am trying to say is that helping your child with social intrigue and drama may not be as easy as simply saying, “Stay away from So-and-So!” while you saute your veggies for dinner! This may be the easiest thing for us, but it certainly doesn’t give our child the skills he or she needs to be successful in the wonderful world of growing up! You may need to schedule a time with your child for “Social Speak” or a “Friendship Forum” so that you can focus on feelings, help develop perspective taking and practice important social skills like compromising, ‘I statements’ and reflecting on their own behavior (including their tone of voice!). I predict that if we all made an investment of time in this protective practice, we will be saving time putting out fires in our kitchens and our children’s social lives!
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