Picture this - you just get home from work, you’re in the process of making dinner and your fifth grader is lurking around the kitchen trying to explain the latest classroom drama that took place today. You are hearing every other word, but trying hard to give your child as much attention as you can without ruining the recipe you are trying to follow. It sounds like the usual; So-and-So is excluding kids and saying mean things to your child and others.

Without giving it too much consideration, you say with authority, “Why don’t you try keeping your distance from So-and-So? Sounds like they aren’t the kind of friend you want anyway!” Your child shrugs his/her shoulders, nods their head and walks away. O.K., so you think you have come up with a fool-proof plan for a peaceful playground situation for your child and maybe you should even be consulted to perform similar miracles in the Middle East!
Well, you have done one thing, you have made your kitchen more peaceful and eliminated a distraction to one of the many jobs you have to perform tonight, but I can tell you, that advice, will not prevent further classroom drama for your child! It truly does seem logical because in our adult world, if we are fed up with an opinionated, insensitive or rude neighbor or coworker, we simply decline dinner invitations or steer clear of the work room when that person is in there for a break. Unfortunately, our kids do not have the luxury that we have to avoid the pest and stay aggravation-free! If the So-and-So they are referring to is in their class, they may be forced to sit at a table with them or be paired with them to work on a group project. There may be no choices for your child in this case. If they aren’t in class together, then the difficulties loom large in your child’s mind until it is time for lunch and recess when they are face-to-face with So-and-So.

So what is a better response? What can we say that will solve this problem? Well, I suggest that it will take a little more concentrated listening before we are able to come up with some words of wisdom for our struggling child. Asking about and listening to what So-and-So is doing and why they may be doing those things within the context of the social scene can provide needed insights. Also asking and listening to what your own Pride-and-Joy is doing in this complicated social dance can clarify a plan of action that may be the exact opposite of the isolationist policy that you advocated earlier!

Without giving it too much consideration, you say with authority, “Why don’t you try keeping your distance from So-and-So? Sounds like they aren’t the kind of friend you want anyway!” Your child shrugs his/her shoulders, nods their head and walks away. O.K., so you think you have come up with a fool-proof plan for a peaceful playground situation for your child and maybe you should even be consulted to perform similar miracles in the Middle East!
Well, you have done one thing, you have made your kitchen more peaceful and eliminated a distraction to one of the many jobs you have to perform tonight, but I can tell you, that advice, will not prevent further classroom drama for your child! It truly does seem logical because in our adult world, if we are fed up with an opinionated, insensitive or rude neighbor or coworker, we simply decline dinner invitations or steer clear of the work room when that person is in there for a break. Unfortunately, our kids do not have the luxury that we have to avoid the pest and stay aggravation-free! If the So-and-So they are referring to is in their class, they may be forced to sit at a table with them or be paired with them to work on a group project. There may be no choices for your child in this case. If they aren’t in class together, then the difficulties loom large in your child’s mind until it is time for lunch and recess when they are face-to-face with So-and-So.

So what is a better response? What can we say that will solve this problem? Well, I suggest that it will take a little more concentrated listening before we are able to come up with some words of wisdom for our struggling child. Asking about and listening to what So-and-So is doing and why they may be doing those things within the context of the social scene can provide needed insights. Also asking and listening to what your own Pride-and-Joy is doing in this complicated social dance can clarify a plan of action that may be the exact opposite of the isolationist policy that you advocated earlier!



So what I am trying to say is that helping your child with social intrigue and drama may not be as easy as simply saying, “Stay away from So-and-So!” while you saute your veggies for dinner! This may be the easiest thing for us, but it certainly doesn’t give our child the skills he or she needs to be successful in the wonderful world of growing up! You may need to schedule a time with your child for “Social Speak” or a “Friendship Forum” so that you can focus on feelings, help develop perspective taking and practice important social skills like compromising, ‘I statements’ and reflecting on their own behavior (including their tone of voice!). I predict that if we all made an investment of time in this protective practice, we will be saving time putting out fires in our kitchens and our children’s social lives!
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