Keep the Focus Positive

I am sick to my stomach that my December blog post is about the horrific events that took place on Friday December 14th in Sandy Hook Elementary School.  I was hoping to talk about the wonderful efforts of our community to help others in need like our high school did to raise money for Hurricane Sandy victims and our own school is doing to provide toys to sick children for the holidays.  Unfortunately, this situation has taken over the spotlight of not only the evening news, but Facebook posts, Twitter feeds and discussions between friends all over the place.  On Friday evening, I took a look at my Facebook newsfeed and almost every post was about the shooting.  There was anger, indignation, and hostility in the posts of my younger Facebook friends, but the resounding emotion in the posts of my Facebook friends who are parents was fear.  "I hugged my children a little tighter today as I dried my tears for the families that lost their children," was one such post. I certainly understand that feeling, but I also know how our strong emotions get transmitted to our kids and fear is as contagious as the common cold!  

I think back to 9/11 and the children that had the most anxious and long-lasting negative reaction were not necessarily the children who lost a relative or a friend in the towers, but the children who were taken out of school and perched in front of the T.V. with their parents to watch the horrific events over and over again.  I am aware that our media-thirsty society is over-run with information about sensational and terrifying events, but that doesn't mean that we have to succumb to its exposure.  I also recognize that my own personal approach to dealing with these types of unthinkable situations is to do just that...not think about them!  I believe the clinical term for the way I choose to deal with these things is the "Head-in-the-Sand Approach," which isn't necessarily the most effective.  So we need to find a balance between scaring our children and pretending that the world is a perfect place - ignoring the fact that terrible things do happen.  I think one way to do this is to start by asking our kids what they know about the situation.  If they have a broad framework of the disaster, that is sufficient.  Details are unnecessary at this time.  Judgment is also unnecessary.  We don't know why people do the things they do and when someone kills themselves after killing others, we will never know their true motivations, and this is something we can explain to kids.  Sometimes there are no answers.  So now would be a good time to focus on the supportive reactions of those first responders to the Sandy Hook Elementary School and the wonderful and generous Newtown community members who are collecting stuffed animals for the young scarred survivors of the attack.  

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, " Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping."  To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world."  - Fred "Mr." Rogers.

So after a tragedy of this magnitude; instead of letting fear dictate our fate or that of our children, let's empower our kids to be helpers.  Watch this youtube video to get you in the helping mood.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ID0kgP9IVhs 

Managing After Super Storm Sandy

For many of us, this was the first time we have ever experienced the type of natural disaster that makes our local community unrecognizable.  It's also one of the few times that we have had extended periods with no power, heat or drinkable water.  Conditions like these create stress and a lot of it!  Our ability to cope with this high level of stress is influenced by many factors.  In addition, our coping skills and abilities will impact how our children react as well.  So here are some things we should know and do  in the wake of Sandy that will help the healing process and allow us to regain control over our lives.

First off, recognizing and accepting that everyone's reactions to the trauma differ and should not be judged as wrong or right is one thing that should be remembered.  Some of us get energized by distress and look to relieve it in physical ways...chopping wood, cleaning the house, etc.  Others of us need quiet time to take in the magnitude of everything and create a plan for what to do next.  Can you imagine the conflict that might erupt if a husband and a wife display these drastically different coping styles?  Believe me, it's not pretty!  But what must be understood is that neither way is better than the other and appreciation of the fact that we handle things differently can be very productive.

An important research finding from Dr. S.R. Maddi (2002) that looked at resiliency in the face of trauma, identified three key beliefs that helped people turn adversity into an advantage. Those three beliefs were commitment, control and challenge attitudes.  The Commitment attitude led individuals to strive to be involved in ongoing events, rather than feeling isolated. The Control attitude led them to struggle and try to influence outcomes, rather than lapse into passivity and powerlessness. The Challenge attitude led them to view stress changes, whether positive or negative, as opportunities for new learning.  These attitudes were something we put to good use in our house over the last week.  Feeling blessed that our power was restored relatively quickly, I still felt a sense of helplessness for the people who had lost so much in the storm.  In order to regain some control and recognizing that we have a commitment to a larger community, my kids and I started scouring our house for things we could donate to help out in the short-term.  It was amazing how empowering it was to be able to provide warm coats, blankets, boots, backpacks, sweaters, hats and gloves to people who really needed them (not to mention the added bonus of cleaning out our closets!).  I strongly recommend contacting your local houses of worship or the Boy/ Girl scout organizations in your area to find out how to donate these types of items.

Another really easy but very impactful way to help alleviate the stress we experience after a trauma is to open up and write about it.  In a classic 1988 study, Dr. James Pennebaker proved that deep disclosure improves mood, objective and subjective health, and the ability to function well.  So get to your journals, diaries, blogs and facebook posts and let your emotions flow!  Even our young kids can benefit from this type of intervention by drawing pictures of what they remember about the storm and dictating a description of the picture to you so you can write it for them.

Something we learned from the aftermath of 9/11, was that too much exposure to the media coverage of a disaster has extremely negative effects on the viewers.  Even if you didn't personally experience damage and loss of property from Sandy, the images on the news of leveled homes and flooded streets can create stress and anxiety within you and your children, so if you have power...a SpongeBob marathon may not be the worst thing for your children to view right now.

Of course, if you or your child are experiencing persistent anxiety and prolonged distress related to the hurricane that disrupts daily functioning, please be in touch so that I can help educate you about normal responses to extreme stress and make a plan for moving forward.

It’s Election Year (Even for the Elementary School Set)

            The Republican and the Democratic National Conventions have come and gone and the election rhetoric is in full swing.  It used to be that we would be bombarded with T.V. adds for the two months from Labor Day till Election Day, but now election information is everywhere, T.V., Facebook, Twitter, Internet news sources, even Youtube videos.  Our kids are being swamped with information that may or may not make sense to them and may or may not be true.  However, I find that the greatest source of information about the candidates and their positions comes directly from home.  You may not even know that you are supplying your son or daughter with their political identity, but you are.  

            I heard a conversation the other day among a group of fourth graders.  It reflected the fact that their families would suffer under the tax hikes proposed by Obama and that they would not be voting for him again.  Other students felt that Obama was trying to be fair and take care of everyone and they would be voting for him again. Before the argument became too heated, I stepped in to demonstrate that we all had opinions about the political candidates and sometimes those opinions differ, but it is a wise person who can listen to differing opinions and reflect on them to either support their original beliefs or perhaps change their perspective or at the very least, get them to ask more questions. 

            In my household growing up, my parents were generally a-political.  There were no discussions of politics at our dinner table.  But if I were to venture a guess, my parents voted Democratic based on the fact that they were both NYC teachers and belonged to the teacher’s union.  It is usually the Democratic ticket that supported the rights of unions and that was important to them. At my dinner table now, we get a lot of rhetoric from the political Right since my husband is a small business owner and feels that “Big Government” is bad for the economy.  I think it is important for our kids to hear differing views of the political scene so they can try to formulate what is important to them.  Helping our children understand the underlying philosophies of our two major political parties is the first step in giving them guidance about where their allegiances may lie one day.   When information is presented in a non-biased way, it is fascinating to watch the reactions on the kids’ faces as they ponder what seems like the best course of action for a particular situation.  The more questions they ask, the more likely they are to be formulating their own opinions based on the information with which you’ve provided them. I feel strongly that the most important bit of information we can give our children is the idea put forth by George Jean Nathan, “Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.”   So be a good role model for your children; discuss politics in an unbiased way, have the older ones tune into the debates (the first one is today!) and encourage them to ask questions about what the candidates are sharing if they seem confused and of course, get out there and vote.