How many times have you asked yourself, "Why does this kid love to push my buttons?" regarding your own child's apparently disobedient behavior? Like when they won't get out of the car to run a "really quick" errand or when they completely melt down when you tell them they ran out of blue cotton candy at the fair or when they run screaming from you when you simply try to brush their hair in the morning before school?
What if I told you this behavior has nothing to do with disobedience, but rather temperament? You might say, "OK, but what is temperament, anyway?!" Glad you asked! In the 1950's, researchers Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas provided us with ground breaking research on personality development. They were among the first researchers to identify that there are genetic influences in how your child reacts to the world around him or her. This first and most natural reaction to the world and the people in it is called temperament. Researchers have discovered that temperament has biological, neurological, and physiological underpinnings that affect your child in many ways, including their mood, ability to calm himself and activity level. So now you may be thinking, "Great! I always said this kid's wiring was a little screwy and now I know it is! That doesn't help me when she is throwing a fit and won't get dressed because of the tag in the back of her shirt!" However, I suggest to you that biology is not destiny! According to David Reiss of George Washington University, "Whether and how strongly genes that underlie behaviors are turned on or expressed depends on the interactions and relationships a child has with the important people in his life." So it is our role as parents to help our child understand their temperament, emphasize their strengths, and guide them to react appropriately. There are positive and negative aspects of all the temperamental traits. Parents make the difference by helping a child to shape her particular qualities in the most advantageous way.
There are nine different temperamental traits and they all fall on a continuum from a mild reaction to a strong reaction. In order to better understand your child's behavior and be able to predict and thereby avoid major behavioral meltdowns, you need to think about your child's typical, most natural reactions to these nine traits. You can quantify the reactions such that on a continuum of 1 to 5, 1 would mean a very mild reaction and 5 would mean a strong reaction to the following traits.
Intensity - How strong are your child's emotional reactions? Does he laugh and cry loudly and energetically or softly and mildly?
Persistence - If your child is involved in an activity and you tell her to stop, does she stop easily or fight to continue?
Sensitivity - How aware is your child of slight noises, emotions, and differences in temperature, taste, and texture? Does he react easily to certain foods, tags in clothing, irritating noises or your stress level?
Perceptiveness - Does your child notice people, colors, noises, and objects around her? Does she frequently forget to do what you asked because something else has caught her attention?
Adaptability - How quickly does your child adapt to changes in his schedule or routine? How does he cope with surprises?
Regularity - Is your child quite regular about eating times, sleeping times, amount of sleep needed and other bodily functions?
Energy - Is your child always on the move and busy or quiet and calm? Does he need to run, jump, and use his whole body in order to feel good?
First Reaction - What is your child's first reaction when she is asked to meet people, try a new activity or idea, or go someplace new?
Mood - How much of the time does your child feel happy and content compared with serious, analytical or solemn?
If you add up your ratings across the 9 temperamental traits, you can place your child's temperament on the following continuum:
9 - 18 = Low-key cool child
19 - 28 = Spunky child
29 - 45 = Spirited child
Having this knowledge can reframe the way you look at your child's behavior. Your child doesn't get to choose his temperament and neither do you, but an understanding of temperament allows you to be better able to predict your child's typical reaction to things and plan for success.
Sources:
Kurcinka, Mary; Raising your Spirited Child; Harper; 2006
