As we start the new year, the most common thing for us to do is reflect on ourselves and try to make improvements. We call these resolutions. These resolutions are often short term goals and are motivated by explicit thoughts and don't often reflect our inner or subconscious drives. It is these subconscious thoughts and beliefs that truly guide our behavior and motivate us to change or stay the same. So in order to effect real change, we must be honest with ourselves and recognize that many of our beliefs for successful parenting may be faulty and actually may be hurting our children's chances for becoming the best people they can be. That may sound harsh, but unless we are able to admit that some of our parenting practices may be off the mark, we will never be able to keep these resolutions to be a "better parent."
Leadership expert Dr. Tim Elmore shared his thoughts with Kathy Caprino, a contributing editor to Forbes magazine about how we as parents are failing our children today — coddling and crippling them — and keeping them from becoming leaders they are destined to be. Tim is a best-selling author of more than 25 books, including Generation iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults, and the Habitudes® series. He is Founder and President of Growing Leaders, an organization dedicated to mentoring today’s young people to become the leaders of tomorrow.
I found what he had to say to be very practical, but I also realized that many of us in this community and ones similar to it have fallen into many of the parenting traps Tim speaks about. He refers to "The 7 damaging parenting behaviors that keep children from becoming leaders – of their own lives and of the world’s enterprises."
He starts off with this parenting behavior as the culprit for stealing our children's ability to face fear-producing or emotionally difficult situations:
- We don’t let our children experience risk. I see this happening right on my block. When I leave my house for work, I see many of my neighbor's load their minivans and SUVs with their elementary age-students (grades 2-5) to drive them to (wait for it...) the bus stop on the corner of the block that they can see from their living room window. I understand the fear of the parent - they don't want their child abducted between their doorway and the transportation used to get them to the safety of school, however according to research done in Europe, this parenting behavior may actually be fueling the development of phobias in youngsters not allowed to take appropriate risks. If we continue preventing our children from experiencing risk, we will likely see high arrogance and low self-esteem in our growing leaders, according to Dr. Elmore. The second parenting practice that Tim suggests will cripple our growing leaders is:
- We rescue our kids too quickly. Our Reading and Math Specialists often remind teachers and parents that it is very important for the child to "think" about the answer or how to decode a word before we swoop in to prevent the child's 'discomfort' while struggling with the concept. I am guilty of this myself when my daughter asks for my help with editing a creative writing piece. I will often say, "It might sound better like this...." and provide her with an alternative to what she has written, instead of asking her, "What do you think you could do to liven this part up or clarify what you are saying in this section." "It’s parenting for the short-term and it sorely misses the point of leadership—to equip our young people to do it without help."
- We rave too much. The advent of social media has given us a forum to rave about our kids accomplishments at a dizzying rate!!! It starts early...I have seen it happen with parents of infants who post the video of their five month old tossing a toy from their bouncy chair with the caption - "Look at our little champion - the next Eli Manning!" All the way to the posts about Spelling Bee winners and Little League standouts! Tim explains, kids "begin to doubt the objectivity of their parents; it feels good in the moment, but it’s not connected to reality. When we rave too easily and disregard poor behavior, children eventually learn to cheat, exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality."
- We let guilt get in the way of leading well. By this Tim means we have a need for our children to always like us because we may feel some guilt for being a family with two working parents, perhaps. He cautions against parenting out of guilt and buying our children's happiness, especially if what they need are limits and consequences. "If your relationship is based on material rewards, kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor unconditional love." I actually witnessed a parent tell a child that he would buy the child a toy in order to get him to stop tantrumming after five minutes because it appeared the father somehow felt guilty that he had caused the child to become upset by questioning his inappropriate behavior in school. So by this parenting practice, this child has quickly learned that when he does not want to face the consequences of his actions, crying and gaging are his way out! The next parenting pitfall according to Tim Elmore is:
- We don’t share our past mistakes. This can be hard because for many of us, we want to appear "perfect" in the eyes of our children. However if we are able to recognize when our child is about to make a mistake we have made in the past, there is nothing wrong in letting them know that you had been down this path and here's how it ended up for you. Allowing our children to learn from our mistakes enables them to see that we too are life-long learners and that mistakes help us grow. The sixth crippling parenting practice is:
- We mistake intelligence, giftedness and influence for maturity. Elmore explains that simply because a child demonstrates a gift or a talent for something, doesn’t necessarily mean they are ready for the responsibilities of an older child. Emotional maturity may lag behind many other capabilities and we may be setting our children up for disaster if we don’t recognize the discrepancies between our children’s giftedness in certain areas and their maturity level. Tim suggests, “...a good rule of thumb is to observe other children the same age as yours. If you notice that they are doing more for themselves than your child does, you may be delaying your child’s independence.” Finally, Tim Elmore suggest another parenting flaw:
- We don’t practice what we preach. We may all believe that helping others is an admirable quality; however unless we show our kids what it means to give to others by volunteering or even being a good son or daughter to our own aging and ailing parents; they may not develop the qualities of a selfless leader who puts the needs of others before their own.
So as we make our resolutions to be better people and parents in 2015, let’s try to keep in mind these sinkholes to successful parenting and avoid them the best we can!
Reference: Caprino, Kathy, “7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders” Forbes Magazine, January 16, 2014
