Ellis Island Trip - A look back provides perspective on modern-day immigrants

Late November is one of our family's most cherished times of the year.  We host our family's Thanksgiving Day feast and that means my sister and her family trek in from sunny, warm Florida to grace our table.  I not only enjoy this because my sister makes me laugh harder than most people, she also gives me a reason to explore some really incredible tourist sights in the amazing metropolis that is 40 minutes from our home, Manhattan!  My nephew is a native Floridian, so we often do the "Touristy stuff" when they are in town.  So this year, we decided to visit Ellis Island.  There was good reason for this trip...my nephew had to do a writing assignment related to what it was like to be an immigrant child in the late 1800's when Ellis Island was the first stop for almost all the immigrants coming from Europe and the middle East to the United States.  To tell the truth, in my forty-something years living on Long Island, I had never been to Ellis Island, so I was certainly game for this trip!
While waiting to board the ferry at the tip of Manhattan, we were herded into a giant mass of humanity.  My group was large and we were a chatty bunch, but every now and then when there was a lull in the conversation, I took note of the fact that we were one of the only groups speaking English.   There was a group of Chinese people to my left, a Russian couple was behind us and a friendly Jamaican family stood directly in front of us.  It certainly gave me an authentic feeling of excitement being one of the many diverse immigrants trying to make our way to Ellis Island.  The difference for us was that we knew we belonged here; the immigrants on their journey over 120 years ago had no idea what they were getting into -was it going to be the nirvana that they may had been promised or would they be outcasts in their new land or worse turned away and sent back to their homeland.
As we toured the facility, I was overwhelmed by the size and the amount of people who had passed through these halls not knowing what fate had in store for them.  The images of the people from that time made me wonder -  would I be able to be that brave if I had to leave my home and travel to a completely foreign land?  Would I be able to protect my children from the harsh realities of separation and discrimination?  And then I began to think about some of the modern day immigrants that I have come in contact with at work.
I realized that there are many people in our school community that have either made great sacrifices to be here or those that are here because living in their homeland was incredibly unsafe.  Parents have sent their only child here in order to provide them with a better education, not really knowing the people that would be hosting him or her.  In other situations, mothers and children have come here while the fathers remain in their native country in order to maintain their jobs and their incomes.  I have also heard of families fleeing unrest in their homelands, but they continue to carry with them the constant distrust and suspicion they had experienced prior to coming here.   I began to think about the daily trials and tribulations of these groups of people who have come to the U.S. in search of something better.  I realized that just because immigrants don't have to stop at Ellis Island anymore, they continue to experience the same fear and uncertainty that the immigrants of a century ago endured.
The language is just the first barrier to assimilating to a new world.  I was reminded of a situation I had to deal with a week or so ago, when two Asian girls were in tears due to some friendship difficulties and I was trying to help them see the other's perspective, but when it came right down to it, I could do nothing until they were able to communicate with each other in a manner to which they are accustomed.  That being said, it is also amazing to me how quickly the children learn a new language!  I have seen Kindergarten children come in with no English, and by second grade, they don't even have an accent from their native tongue!  For their parents, this transition is much harder because the window for the critical period for learning language has closed.  When I sit at parent teacher conferences, I try to put myself in the foreign-speaking parent's shoes and wonder what it must be like trying to piece together the comments made by the teacher about my child when I am only understanding every fifth word!   How incredibly frustrating - especially when you can read the worried expression on the teacher's face, but can't for the life of you understand what is being said!
Then fitting into a new community is another challenge for our current-day immigrants.  Again, the children seem to have an advantage because school provides them with an unavoidable opportunity to come in contact with other children.  They eat with them in the cafeteria and have the universal language of play during recess.  But what about the parent stuck at home, not sure of how to get around in this new place and who to trust when it comes to making friends?  I can only imagine it must be very lonely and intimidating to come to a PTA meeting when you have no one to sit with and don't understand much of what is being said.
So this year's Thanksgiving tourist trip to Ellis Island was supposed to be an historical  look back at the courage and determination of immigrants from the 1800's, however it provided me with the realization that today's immigrants face the same fears and hurdles that their ancestors experienced.   Being aware of their perpetual need to adapt and fit in, both in terms of their language and their culture, is something that we all need to be sensitive to.  Recognizing the sacrifices that they have endured in their immigration and honoring the time it takes to settle in is something we must respect.

Opportunities for Character Development come wrapped in a Halloween Costume

Remember when Halloween meant your mom was either going to cut holes in a white pillow case to transform you into a ghost or you wore all black with a cape and poof – you were a bat!?  Remember when the only activity to celebrate Halloween was trick-or-treating and eating the candy as you went from house to house without a care? 

Today, things are very different for our kids and for us as parents!  Now we get a 20 page catalog in the mail from Party City with every imaginable super hero, villain, princess or fairy costume! (Slightly overwhelming for the child who has trouble making decisions!) For the older set we have the added enticement of the Pop-up Halloween stores like Halloween Scene which carry costumes that can make even Alice-in-Wonderland seem dirty!  And on top of that, there are the social stressors that surround the numerous activities associated with Halloween. It is so critical that we as parents help our children navigate the social waters of this potentially stressful season.  I will share with you some of the most common difficulties that have been shared with me and some ways for us to support our children so that there are less “Tricks” and more “Treats” at Halloween.

One major issue that rears its ugly head at this time of the year is the issue of inclusion and exclusion.  Often times, children decide they would like to dress alike or dress as members of a group for their Halloween costumes.  This invariably creates a problem with someone being left out of the group.  It is important to ask your child who is involved and if they’ve considered everyone when planning this group costume.  If you know of someone being left out, suggest to your child that they include the other child in the group in some way.  This helps them develop the ability to take another’s perspective and to be inclusive of others.  The positive feeling they will get from the child who is being included will be the best “treat” your child could get at Halloween.

Another issue that is as common place as pumpkins and black cats during this month is that of commitment.  I frequently hear the laments of students who say, “We agreed that we would be devils together and now she/he said they want to be something else with someone else!!”  These children are disappointed and disillusioned in the friendship they had with the other child.  Even if there has been a falling out between the children which prompted the one child to want to change costumes and abandon that friend, it is important for us as parents to point out the importance of commitment to a friend.  Children need to learn that it is not always easy to do the right thing, but when you make a promise to someone, it is very important to follow through on that promise.  Knowing that you will not support their decision to drop that friend and change costumes may prompt your child to think of a way to work out the conflict that may have arisen between the two children instead of simply walking away from the commitment.  And aren’t problem solving and conflict resolution skills what we truly want our children to develop as they grow and mature?

Now what if your child is the one who is left out of a group or has not been approached by anyone to go trick-or-treating with them?  This pain can be worse than the stake through the vampire’s heart for us parents to bear, but again it gives us the chance to provide our children with valuable skills for building self-reliance and independence. Instead of allowing your child to throw a “pity-party” for themselves because they are feeling left-out and alone, you may need to rehearse with your child ways to ask another child to join them trick-or-treating instead of waiting to be asked by someone.  Giving them the confidence they need to take the first step will be so much more empowering than just agreeing with them that the children in the class or neighborhood are mean and inconsiderate for not including them in their Halloween plans. 

Who knew a simple holiday could provide us with so many wonderful opportunities to teach our children the life lessons of consideration of others, commitment to each other, problem-solving and self-reliance and independence!  Here’s to a happy and character-building Halloween!

Strategies for Getting your Kids to Talk

The start of a new school year….a mix of emotions!  Excitement for something new to begin.  Anticipation of change.  Fear of the unknown.  Sadness for the end of leisure and relaxation.  And these are the emotions I am feeling after doing the same job for 25 years…imagine what it is like for your elementary- aged child who is just starting this journey of life!!!  They experience all these things and often don’t have a way of expressing all these big emotions.  That is why it is so important to encourage communication with your child.  The problem is when they get home from school, all you hear after you ask, “How was school today?” is “Fine or O.K. or Good.”  That doesn't exactly fill our craving for information about how our little person navigated the world of school without us.  We may need to employ our super sleuth skills as powerful parents to try to unearth the secrets of the six hour separation between us and our children.  Many of us did not sign up for the F.B.I. interrogation strategies course before we became parents, so I will give you an over-view of what you may have missed and how to get the most out of talking with your child. 

First…It is important to determine when the suspect (in this case, your child) is in the right frame of mind to spill his or her guts.  For some, it is right after they get off the bus, but for the majority of others, it is right before it is time for lights out!  You may not be thrilled by this, and your eyelids may be at half-mast, but once your little one starts to recount an interaction with a peer as his/her head is hitting the pillow, I promise, you will perk up.   Know your child and work with his or her internal schedule.

Next…You must use the right questioning tactics to produce the best results. “How was school today?” is a little too vague for most of our charges, so you may need to spice up your questions.  For instance, you could try:

·        Tell me something that made you laugh today.

·        Tell me about what happened in the cafeteria today – anyone bring anything you didn't recognize for lunch? – anyone bring in your favorite food?

·        Tell me something you learned today.  Maybe it was the name of the kid sitting next to you in class.  Maybe it was where the nearest bathroom is to your room. (Anything they learned is important!!)

·        If you could sit next to anyone in the class, who would it be? (This gets at budding friendships without coming out and asking, “Who’s your best friend?”)  Then follow up with, “Why would you want to sit next to them?”  You may be very surprised by the response!  My son’s response to that in first grade was, “I want to sit next to Billy because he taught me how to make armpit farts during recess!”  Super!!

·        Who do you think you could help with work or with making friends? is a great question for getting your child to focus on the needs of others and be reflective about what they could do to be supportive.  This is very empowering for them. 

·        If you were the teacher, how would you say your day went?  Again, the focus here is not on your child, but rather on helping them take another’s perspective and recognize how their behavior and that of their classmates impacts the teacher in positive and negative ways.  This is an important process in producing a more mindful person. 

Finally…now that you have a more robust stockpile of information regarding the time frame in question (the school day), laugh with your child!  Allow them to decompress and look forward to sharing more details with you regarding their daily experiences in the future. 

Your honorary F.B.I. interrogation training is complete – use it responsibly!

A Healthy Habit - Hugging

Almost every day after work, I enter my house and I am greeted by my 15 year old daughter.  She is seated in her favorite spot at our kitchen table with her books spread out in front of her and her planner dutifully indicating what needs to get done.  Within minutes of entering the kitchen or family room, she asks me, “Can I get a hug?” or “Would you like a hug?”  At first, I worried, is she getting enough affection from her dad and me?  My other two older children rarely requested hugs; they seemed content with the occasional snuggle and squeeze they randomly received over the course of the day.  So what was prompting my daughter’s desire for this kind of affectionate contact?  Turns out it has to do with science and the brain!!  New research suggests that cuddling and hugging causes the hippocampus to grow.  Cantiague’s Kindergartners, first and second graders know that the hippocampus is an area of the brain dedicated to memory and learning.  A larger hippocampus means more neural connections, so kids pick up, retain, and recall new information better.  Maybe that is why my daughter looks for the hugs just before starting her homework!

I also found out that snuggling and close affectionate contact releases oxytocin, the love hormone.  This hormone increases children’s feelings of happiness, improves their sociability and makes them more cooperative.  So hugging around homework and bedtime might be a more effective parenting tool than shouting and threatening! 

Finally, it appears that my anxious child intuitively knew that hugs and snuggles help to reduce her stress levels.  Research revealed that cortisol levels (our stress hormone) and blood pressure decrease when we have close physical contact with our loved ones.  These effects are long lasting, too.  With a good dose of TLC, our children are better able to deal with the challenges that face them academically and/or socially throughout the day.  So whether you have a child who asks for the hug or one that doesn’t seem to need it as much – go ahead and grab ‘em and squeeze ‘em because the benefits of that contact go far beyond the moment!

Sources:

Tamekia Reece, Parent and Child, Scholastic.com, May 2014

Tiffany Field, Ph.D., Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami

Joseph Pinzone, M.D., University of California, Los Angeles

Kathy Gruver, Ph.D., Conquer Your Stress with Mind/Body Techniques

Misbehavior - Where does it come from and How do we deal with it?

I recently had a conversation with a friend about her two year old pitching a fit because the computer would not load  fast enough to get to his game.  I guess this might correlate to the tantrum my now 20 year old son had when he was two and I couldn’t find the exact spot for his favorite Disney Sing-a-long songs quick enough on the VHS tape!   Temperamentally, our sons sound similar...intense reactions, and persistence in their pursuit of happiness.  We were both bombarded with the same thoughts...”What is wrong with him???  Why is he acting so out-of-control?”  As first time moms, we wonder and worry about the root of our children’s misbehavior and often misattribute it to some pathological cause. It is important to remember that misbehavior is  sometimes a child’s inept way of communicating a need or emotion. 

Typical reasons for misbehavior are:

• Fatigue, hunger, thirst
• Mismatch between parental expectations and child’s ability to cope or cooperate.  Are you expecting too much?
• Power - children need to feel a reasonable amount of control over their environment.  Pick and choose your battles.  Ask yourself, “Must this be done my way?” “Can I be more flexible?” “Can I offer a choice?”
• Unaware of appropriate behavior - sometimes children are not fully aware of the rules of good conduct, particularly if limits have not been consistently enforced.
• Inconsistent follow through - how often do you make a request (such as put your books away, or stop running, or don’t jump on the sofa) and not help your child follow through with the request?  Too much inconsistency makes it very difficult for your child to know when you expect cooperation and when you don’t.  
• Attention seeking – your attention, even negative attention is important to your child. Paying too much attention to misbehavior can sometimes perpetuate the behavior
• Disruption in school or family life – situations or events that disrupt routine and stability may trigger misbehavior
• Emotionally charged situations – children sometimes lose self control when distressed

When children are upset and misbehaving, coach them through the situation so they are better off next time.

• Acknowledge the child’s feelings. It doesn’t help to criticize or yell when your child reacts with anger, fear or sadness
• Help kids learn the difference between feelings and behavior. You can acknowledge the feelings and help kids label them, but you can also indicate to children that they need to behave differently when they experience that feeling again. “I know you’re angry and that makes sense. But you cannot throw things when you are mad. Instead you can.........” Offer solutions and problem solve with your child about appropriate expression of emotion.  This type of positive discipline and emotional coaching will put your child on the right path towards emotional regulation on their own...and isn’t that the goal?!

References:

Websites Zerotothree.org 

Aboutourkids.org 

www.cfw.tufts.edu

Preparing for Parent-Teacher Conferences

As we embark on the second round of Parent Teacher conferences later this month, teachers are taking a close look at their students in order to monitor progress.  They are comparing the amount of individualized intervention the student may need to the advances they are making in any particular area.  Teachers are determining if the interventions are making a difference for the child or if there are greater concerns for their learning.  When teachers sense that there are greater difficulties, they bring their concerns to the Instructional Support Team or Child Study Team and to you, the parents.  It can be very hard to hear that your child is struggling with learning concepts in math or that his/her reading decoding is at a stand-still.  However, when you think about the effort you need to provide in order for your child to get through their homework every night, you begin to recognize that this is not the norm.  If you have these concerns about your child’s learning, going into a Parent Teacher conference can be intimidating and scary.   The following article from the National Center for Learning Disabilities can be helpful in terms of providing you with some reflective understanding of what may be causing your stress in dealing with your child’s learning difficulties and prepare you for positive interactions with your child’s teacher if there are concerns presented during the conference.   

http://www.ncld.org/parents-child-disabilities/family-coping-ld/reasons-for-stress-learning-disabilities

Play and Why It Is So Important

Here in the Northeast, we continue to live with the possibility of a snow day or two (Thanks, Punxsutawney Phil!), but instead of cringing and wondering,  “What the heck am I going to do with these kids all day!” - embrace it and know that your ability to encourage play and imagination in your kids is extremely influential in their emotional and social development.  Take this opportunity to engage in creative and pretend play with your child because the research suggests that play enhances development in several important areas.  

First off, play encourages development in learning and cognition.  Imagination and imaginative play actions allow for an increase in the capacity for flexibility of thought, problem solving and divergent thinking.  For example, you might see your child using a box as a car one minute and then when the need arises, that same box may become a house!  In this way, minds are stretched to solve the problems encountered during play.  If your child has difficulty with this, your role as facilitator in the play can encourage your child to think about multiple problem solving possibilities.  Engaging in pretend or sociodramatic play provides practice in abstract and logical thinking and a chance to reflect and experiment with problems from a number of different angles.  When a child pretends to be the mom or dad in a family, they are learning perspective taking and this is a critical skill for social development.  

I know one characteristic I feel is very influential in emotional development is self-confidence.  Believe it or not, encouraging creative play can provide kids with the opportunity to take on new roles which provides them with a sense of competence and success.  Physical play, such as climbing and building also provide meaningful opportunities for young children to develop a sense of control over their environments and enhance self-esteem.

You may have observed your little ones in dramatic play in which they are the omnipotent superhero or the almighty king or queen of the land.  Don’t be concerned  that you are raising some type of dictator; understand that  taking on these roles may provide your child with a sense of power that will decrease their need to demonstrate aggressiveness towards others when not engaged in play.  It is much better to pretend that you have control over all the action figures in your army than trying to constantly control your little brother!!  

Language development is another area that benefits from rich, interactive play.  Whether you are playing with your child or they are engaged with a sibling or peer, the play will be saturated with verbal exchanges  and this provides a perfect opportunity for language to be used and  for vocabulary and speech to grow and expand.  Interjecting feeling words that provide descriptions of what the characters are experiencing in the play will also help your child when they are experiencing big emotions themselves.  All part of emotional regulation skills!

So take out the sheets, blankets and pillows and encourage the building of forts and castles; get down and build a Lego tower with your child, take out the old socks (you know the ones whose mates were eaten by the washing machine) and Sharpie markers and make some wonderful sock puppets that go on an amazing adventure.  Take the lead from your child and know that you are supporting their development in many influential ways and more importantly, you are establishing a bond with your child and are making memories with them that will last a lifetime!  Let it snow!!

Reference:

Landy, Sarah (2009). Pathways to Competence. Baltimore, Maryland: Paul H. Brooks Publishing