Misbehavior - Where does it come from and How do we deal with it?

I recently had a conversation with a friend about her two year old pitching a fit because the computer would not load  fast enough to get to his game.  I guess this might correlate to the tantrum my now 20 year old son had when he was two and I couldn’t find the exact spot for his favorite Disney Sing-a-long songs quick enough on the VHS tape!   Temperamentally, our sons sound similar...intense reactions, and persistence in their pursuit of happiness.  We were both bombarded with the same thoughts...”What is wrong with him???  Why is he acting so out-of-control?”  As first time moms, we wonder and worry about the root of our children’s misbehavior and often misattribute it to some pathological cause. It is important to remember that misbehavior is  sometimes a child’s inept way of communicating a need or emotion. 

Typical reasons for misbehavior are:

• Fatigue, hunger, thirst
• Mismatch between parental expectations and child’s ability to cope or cooperate.  Are you expecting too much?
• Power - children need to feel a reasonable amount of control over their environment.  Pick and choose your battles.  Ask yourself, “Must this be done my way?” “Can I be more flexible?” “Can I offer a choice?”
• Unaware of appropriate behavior - sometimes children are not fully aware of the rules of good conduct, particularly if limits have not been consistently enforced.
• Inconsistent follow through - how often do you make a request (such as put your books away, or stop running, or don’t jump on the sofa) and not help your child follow through with the request?  Too much inconsistency makes it very difficult for your child to know when you expect cooperation and when you don’t.  
• Attention seeking – your attention, even negative attention is important to your child. Paying too much attention to misbehavior can sometimes perpetuate the behavior
• Disruption in school or family life – situations or events that disrupt routine and stability may trigger misbehavior
• Emotionally charged situations – children sometimes lose self control when distressed

When children are upset and misbehaving, coach them through the situation so they are better off next time.

• Acknowledge the child’s feelings. It doesn’t help to criticize or yell when your child reacts with anger, fear or sadness
• Help kids learn the difference between feelings and behavior. You can acknowledge the feelings and help kids label them, but you can also indicate to children that they need to behave differently when they experience that feeling again. “I know you’re angry and that makes sense. But you cannot throw things when you are mad. Instead you can.........” Offer solutions and problem solve with your child about appropriate expression of emotion.  This type of positive discipline and emotional coaching will put your child on the right path towards emotional regulation on their own...and isn’t that the goal?!

References:

Websites Zerotothree.org 

Aboutourkids.org 

www.cfw.tufts.edu