Probationary Permit for Social Media User

Recently, I have had a number of conversations with friends and colleagues about social media use by elementary aged children.  This isn’t anything new, I mean the iPod has been around since 2001 and the iPad has been with us since 2010. But now the influx of brand-spanking new iPhone 6S’s have made their way into the hands of 8, 9, and 10-year-olds.  And now the attraction isn’t the latest and greatest video game to play, it is the most entertaining social media app that gets the kids attention these days.  It used to be that the elementary aged child was allowed a few extra years of development before the hypnotic draw of social media was in their palms.  Many children had their first phones bestowed on them as a right of passage from elementary school to middle school.  Selfishly, this was ideal because the influence of social media did not really have to be addressed at the elementary level for the most part.  I left that to the capable hands of the middle school guidance staff, teachers and administrators!  However, the times they are a-changing and we are getting more and more 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders wielding their very own smartphones. The question is, are they ready for what comes next and are we as parents ready to help them navigate this new terrain.  

When my children turned 16, they wanted to get their Learner's permit in order to learn to drive a car.  That meant that we as parents had to either strap ourselves into the car and provide instruction on how to stay alive while operating a motor vehicle (while fervently praying under our breath!) or pay for someone to provide them with this knowledge.  It would be absurd to let our children simply get behind the wheel without explicit instructions on how to drive.  Their level of proficiency for driving could mean the difference between life and death.  It might seem like a stretch to compare the skills and supervision required to learn how to drive a car to learning how to navigate social media, but I don’t really think so.  The potholes kids can fall into using social media can be just as dangerous as those on the open road.  

The following is an excerpt from CommonSense Media about a new social media-specific anxiety called FOMO, also known as "fear of missing out."

Parents can help. If you see your kids struggling -- maybe they're always stressed out after being on the phone or they're staying up too late texting -- step in.

Listen. It can be easy to dismiss FOMO and other social media stress as superficial, but for many tweens and teens, social media is social life. The more you show you care about how they feel, the more open they’ll be.

Don't judge. Snapchat seems a little dumb, doesn't it? But for tweens and teens, connecting with their peers is a normal part of child development. For you, it meant hours on the phone. For them, it means lots and lots of rainbow vomit.

Encourage their offline lives. FOMO can chip away at kids' self-esteem, but the best defense is a strong sense of what makes kids unique, worthy, and valuable. Help kids participate in sports, clubs, drama, or volunteer work to help them weather the ups and downs of social media anxiety.

Set limits. After all the listening and validating is over, set some basic limits around when and where the phone or computer can be used. Start with turning phones off an hour before bedtime and storing them in your room to help kids resist the temptation to stay up late texting. You can suggest they tell their friends they'll be signing off at a specific time, so they won't be expecting a response.

Shift the focus. If kids are feeling overwhelmed by keeping up with all the social stuff online, encourage them to focus on the creative side of Instagram, for example, instead. Entering photo contests or building a portfolio can shift the focus to the positive side of social media.

Ask open-ended questions. You don't need to solve their problems for them. But you can help them think about what is and isn't working for them. Here are some questions to try:

● Are there any habits you might want to change? (Such as not checking your phone before bed.)

● What would happen if you turned off your phone? For an hour? A day?

● Have you thought about rewarding yourself for not checking your phone or social media for a certain amount of time? (Make a game of it!)

● What are the pros and cons of using Instagram and other social networking apps?

● What would happen if you unfollowed or unfriended someone who was making you feel bad on social media?

● Do you notice that you have better or worse reactions to posts or messages depending on how you feel that day?  

These tips for parents are like the booklet they give at the DMV to help kids study for the permit test.  Before you put the world wide web in the tiny hand of your tween, make sure they know the rules of the road and can manage the twists and turns in emotions after reading a post or a text.  Or let them be Probationary Users of the cell phone and with practice and guidance from you as their parents, they can earn the privilege of becoming a Licensed Social Media User.

When "Stay Away" might not do the Trick

Picture this - you just get home from work, you’re in the process of making dinner and your fifth grader is lurking around the kitchen trying to explain the latest classroom drama that took place today.  You are hearing every other word, but trying hard to give your child as much attention as you can without ruining the recipe you are trying to follow.  It sounds like the usual; So-and-So is excluding kids and saying mean things to your child and others. 



Without giving it too much consideration, you say with authority, “Why don’t you try keeping your distance from So-and-So?  Sounds like they aren’t the kind of friend you want anyway!”  Your child shrugs his/her shoulders, nods their head and walks away.  O.K., so you think you have come up with a fool-proof plan for a peaceful playground situation for your child and maybe you should even be consulted to perform similar miracles in the Middle East! 

Well, you have done one thing, you have made your kitchen more peaceful and eliminated a distraction to one of the many jobs you have to perform tonight, but I can tell you, that advice, will not prevent further classroom drama for your child!  It truly does seem logical because in our adult world, if we are fed up with an opinionated, insensitive or rude neighbor or coworker, we simply decline dinner invitations or steer clear of the work room when that person is in there for a break.   Unfortunately, our kids do not have the luxury that we have to avoid the pest and stay aggravation-free!  If the So-and-So they are referring to is in their class, they may be forced to sit at a table with them or be paired with them to work on a group project.  There may be no choices for your child in this case.  If they aren’t in class together, then the difficulties loom large in your child’s mind until it is time for lunch and recess when they are face-to-face with So-and-So.


So what is a better response?  What can we say that will solve this problem?  Well, I suggest that it will take a little more concentrated listening before we are able to come up with some words of wisdom for our struggling child. Asking about and listening to what So-and-So is doing and why they may be doing those things within the context of the social scene can provide needed insights. Also asking and listening to what your own Pride-and-Joy is doing in this complicated social dance can clarify a plan of action that may be the exact opposite of the isolationist policy that you advocated earlier!

Often, what I hear from kids after recess is a description of a  power play between two players with the attention of a third player at stake. I ask the child about how they are feeling when So-and-So forces them to play with them and not other children.  I ask them how they think So-and-So might feel when no one will let them join their games.  I try to get the child to focus on feelings and then they are much better able to see where the behavior is coming from and how to change it.  Avoiding and ignoring So-and-So may actually aggravate the insecurity So-and-So is experiencing and increase the possessive, annoying behavior.  The feelings that you should be listening for and/ or helping your child identify are often jealousy, insecurity and fear that comes from a lack of trust of one person or another.  Focusing your efforts on getting your child to come up with plans and actions to  reduce those two feelings in themselves or others will be much better strategies to improve the chances of peace on the playground.
 

Perspective taking is another important skill your Pride-and-Joy may need to explore and improve.   Helping them to focus on the other person and not on their own experience will help them develop empathy and understanding towards others.  This skill is so important in building social skills and is a lifelong asset for your child.  As parents, we tend to focus on what is happening to our child to the exclusion of what could be happening inside the world of the So-and-So that is creating drama for our child.  When we do this and only focus on the problems or hurt our child is experiencing, we take away their role in the dance - and they always have a role!  Empowering them with what I call Social Savvy is giving them the tools to look more closely at their situation and come up with better solutions to the difficulties they are experiencing. I always have the children practice using “I statements” that reflect what So-and-So’s behavior is making them feel.  For instance, when So-and-So rolls their eyes when your child sits at the cafeteria table, instead of saying, “Rolling your eyes at me is so rude!” they could say, “When you roll your eyes at me, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel so uncomfortable.  Could you please not do that anymore.” It removes the personal attack that So-and-So will almost certainly feel the need to retaliate against and also states exactly what your child would like So-and-So to do in the future.  Role playing these scenarios and practicing “I statements” is so important because for many kids, they aren’t automatic or natural.  It is of course much easier to point out someone else's flaws than it is to reveal our own feelings. 

One other important thing to keep in mind when you are trying to help your child navigate social land mines, is to keep your opinions about So-and-So to yourself!  When you tell your child that So-and-So is incredibly ungrateful or super loud or terribly disrespectful after a play day, don’t think that those observations will not come up again when your child is angry at So-and-So at school the next day! It may be better to tell your child that you didn’t care for how So-and-So wasted food when you went out to eat or that singing that loud in the car can be distracting to a driver than negatively labeling So-and-So.  Your goal is to make sure that your child doesn’t engage in those behaviors when out of your presence, but not to judge and label the other child.  When we judge and label, it is like giving permission to our children to do the same thing - and they do!!  

So what I am trying to say is that helping your child with social intrigue and drama may not be as easy as simply saying,  “Stay away from So-and-So!” while you saute your veggies for dinner!  This may be the easiest thing for us, but it certainly doesn’t give our child the skills he or she needs to be successful in the wonderful world of growing up!  You may need to schedule a time with your child for “Social Speak” or a “Friendship Forum” so that you can focus on feelings, help develop perspective taking and practice important social skills like compromising, ‘I statements’ and reflecting on their own behavior (including their tone of voice!).  I predict that if we all made an investment of time in this protective practice, we will be saving time putting out fires in our kitchens and our children’s social lives!