How Do You Define Yourself?

How do you define yourself?  

That was a question asked by Lizzie Velasquez, a 25 year old woman with a very rare syndrome that prevents her from gaining weight.  She has weighed no more than 64 pounds her whole life.  She cannot see out of her right eye and as you might imagine, her appearance is quite unusual.  Because of this, she was bullied much of her life.  It started on her first day of Kindergarten when another child ran away from her after Lizzie simply smiled at her and asked her to play.   This left her wondering what she did wrong.  Later, when she was in high school, someone posted an 8 second video of her and the comments on it included, "Kill it with Fire!", "Why not just pick up a gun and kill yourself?, and "Ugliest Woman in the World."  At that point, she realized she had a choice... she could let those comments, that hatred and that ignorance direct her down a path of self-loathing that could lead her to taking her own life, or she could let her goals, accomplishments and the love of her family and friends guide her towards a better, more accurate definition of herself. She chose the latter and let her goals of becoming a motivational speaker, author, and college graduate define her!

I see children every day feeling defined by what others think or say about them.  I've seen girls and boys brought to tears because they think that others are talking about them or leaving them out of conversations or moving away from them in the lunchroom on purpose.  They are being defined by the cruel acts of some and not by whom they truly are or what they want to be.

Our children need to understand that they define themselves by their actions towards others- good or bad - not by what someone is saying about them or how they look!   A nasty rumor about a kid who is genuinely kind and friendly to others is like a unicorn...it just doesn't exist.  So instead of focusing on the bullying and the negativity, let's empower our kids to focus on their strengths and let their positive goals and actions define them just like the brave Lizzie Velasquez! That's one way to end bullying!! 

Meditation Monday (and Every Day!)

Monday February 9th was to have been the kick off to our PTA’s Heart Health Awareness week.  We were starting off with Meditation Monday.  Unfortunately, Mother Nature had something else in mind and the slick sheet of ice on most of our roads kept us snug in bed, perhaps dreaming of the return of the warm summer sun in a few months!  Even though we lost the opportunity to practice meditation on Monday, it is something that is worth talking about for all its profound benefits to our health, productivity, creativity, stress-reduction and overall psychological well-being.  An article by Alice G. Walton on Forbes.com provides us with scientific evidence that  Meditation can actually change the brain.  

In our fifth grade classes we have been discussing some key areas of the brain involved in learning and memory (the Hippocampus), and emotional regulation (the Amygdala).  The children now know that the Amygdala can provide us with false information about our world and create a heightened sense of anxiety in us if we do not become more mindful and aware of what we are experiencing and how we are reacting to it.  To back this up,  “In 2011, Sara Lazar and her team at Harvard found that mindfulness meditation can actually change the structure of the brain: Eight weeks of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) was found to increase cortical thickness in the hippocampus, which governs learning and memory, and in certain areas of the brain that play roles in emotion regulation and self-referential processing. There were also decreases in brain cell volume in the amygdala, which is responsible for fear, anxiety, and stress – and these changes matched the participants’ self-reports of their stress levels, indicating that meditation not only changes the brain, but it changes our subjective perception and feelings as well.” 

Having this understanding of the neuroplasticity of our brains and providing the children with a different way of viewing their experiences is all part of the Mindfulness training we are doing in fifth grade in the hope of developing more resilient, reflective individuals. 

Sharing the idea that Mindfulness is the act of paying attention, on purpose, in the moment, without judgement sparked some good conversation.  We practiced silently being aware of our inner experiences (thoughts and feelings inside our bodies) and then carefully being aware of our external world (sights, sounds, smells).  We discussed how some of us found it easier to tune-in to our inner experiences and others of us had an easier time focusing our attention on the input to our five senses.  All of this gave the kids an appreciation for how much we process at any given moment if we allow ourselves to be aware of it.  It helped some of them recognize that being mindful and aware of someone else’s circumstances, like the exhaustion of a working parent at the end of a long day, could help to avoid nasty conflicts if they chose a different time to share a new song they learned on the violin.  Awakening in them the understanding that one’s thoughts and feelings can be recognized as events occurring in the broader field of awareness will build their perspective-taking and empathy towards others.  But this new view of the world and themselves in it doesn’t happen overnight...which is why it is called Mindfulness PRACTICE!  So even though we missed out on some mindful meditation in school on Monday, take the opportunity to discuss ways to imbed the practice of mindfulness into your family’s daily routines - it could be starting the day with peaceful breathing and a positive affirmation about how the day will go or ending it with thoughts of gratitude for a day well spent.  The more we practice this mindset, the more empowered we will feel!

Resolving to Change Faulty Parenting Practices

As we start the new year, the most common thing for us to do is reflect on ourselves and try to make improvements.  We call these resolutions.  These resolutions are often short term goals and are motivated by explicit thoughts and don't often reflect our inner or subconscious drives.  It is these subconscious thoughts and beliefs that truly guide our behavior and motivate us to change or stay the same.  So in order to effect real change, we must be honest with ourselves and recognize that many of our beliefs for successful parenting may be faulty and actually may be hurting our children's chances for becoming the best people they can be.  That may sound harsh, but unless we are able to admit that some of our parenting practices may be off the mark, we will never be able to keep these resolutions to be a "better parent."

Leadership expert Dr. Tim Elmore shared his thoughts with Kathy Caprino, a contributing editor to Forbes magazine about how we as parents are failing our children today — coddling and crippling them — and keeping them from becoming leaders they are destined to be.  Tim is a best-selling author of more than 25 books, including Generation iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults, and the Habitudes® series. He is Founder and President of Growing Leaders, an organization dedicated to mentoring today’s young people to become the leaders of tomorrow.  

I found what he had to say to be very practical, but I also realized that many of us in this community and ones similar to it have fallen into many of the parenting traps Tim speaks about.  He refers to "The 7 damaging parenting behaviors that keep children from becoming leaders – of their own lives and of the world’s enterprises."

He starts off with this parenting behavior as the culprit for stealing our children's ability to face fear-producing or emotionally difficult situations:

1. We don’t let our children experience risk.  I see this happening right on my block.  When I leave my house for work, I see many of my neighbor's load their minivans and SUVs with their elementary age-students (grades 2-5) to drive them to (wait for it...) the bus stop on the corner of the block that they can see from their living room window.  I understand the fear of the parent - they don't want their child abducted between their doorway and the transportation used to get them to the safety of school, however according to research done in Europe, this parenting behavior may actually be fueling the development of phobias in youngsters not allowed to take appropriate risks.  If we continue preventing our children from experiencing risk, we will likely see high arrogance and low self-esteem in our growing leaders, according to Dr. Elmore.                                                                                                                                  The second parenting practice that Tim suggests will cripple our growing leaders is:
2. We rescue our kids too quickly.  Our Reading and Math Specialists often remind teachers and parents that it is very important for the child to "think" about the answer or how to decode a word before we swoop in to prevent the child's 'discomfort' while struggling with the concept.  I am guilty of this myself when my daughter asks for my help with editing a creative writing piece.  I will often say, "It might sound better like this...." and provide her with an alternative to what she has written, instead of asking her, "What do you think you could do to liven this part up or clarify what you are saying in this section."  "It’s parenting for the short-term and it sorely misses the point of leadership—to equip our young people to do it without help."
3. We rave too much.  The advent of social media has given us a forum to rave about our kids accomplishments at a dizzying rate!!!  It starts early...I have seen it happen with parents of infants who post the video of their five month old tossing a toy from their bouncy chair with the caption - "Look at our little champion - the next Eli Manning!" All the way to the posts about Spelling Bee winners and Little League standouts!  Tim explains, kids "begin to doubt the objectivity of their parents; it feels good in the moment, but it’s not connected to reality. When we rave too easily and disregard poor behavior, children eventually learn to cheat, exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality."
4. We let guilt get in the way of leading well.  By this Tim means we have a need for our children to always like us because we may feel some guilt for being a family with two working parents, perhaps.  He cautions against parenting out of guilt and buying our children's happiness, especially if what they need are limits and consequences.  "If your relationship is based on material rewards, kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor unconditional love."  I actually witnessed a parent tell a child that he would buy the child a toy in order to get him to stop tantrumming after five minutes because it appeared the father somehow felt guilty that he had caused the child to become upset by questioning  his inappropriate behavior in school.  So by this parenting practice, this child has quickly learned that when he does not want to face the consequences of his actions, crying and gaging are his way out!  The next parenting pitfall according to Tim Elmore is:  
5. We don’t share our past mistakes.  This can be hard because for many of us, we want to appear "perfect" in the eyes of our children. However if we are able to recognize when our child is about to make a mistake we have made in the past, there is nothing wrong in letting them know that you had been down this path and here's how it ended up for you.  Allowing our children to learn from our mistakes enables them to see that we too are life-long learners and that mistakes help us grow.  The sixth crippling parenting practice is:
6. We mistake intelligence, giftedness and influence for maturity.  Elmore explains that simply because a child demonstrates a gift or a talent for something, doesn’t necessarily mean they are ready for the responsibilities of an older child.  Emotional maturity may lag behind many other capabilities and we may be setting our children up for disaster if we don’t recognize the discrepancies between our children’s giftedness in certain areas and their maturity level.  Tim suggests, “...a good rule of thumb is to observe other children the same age as yours.  If you notice that they are doing more for themselves than your child does, you may be delaying your child’s independence.”  Finally, Tim Elmore suggest another parenting flaw: 
7. We don’t practice what we preach.  We may all believe that helping others is an admirable quality; however unless we show our kids what it means to give to others by volunteering or even being a good son or daughter to our own aging and ailing parents; they may not develop the qualities of  a selfless leader who puts the needs of others before their own. 

So as we make our resolutions to be better people and parents in 2015, let’s try to keep in mind these sinkholes to successful parenting and avoid them the best we can! 

Reference: Caprino, Kathy, “7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders” Forbes Magazine, January 16, 2014