The idea of being popular is intriguing and enticing to many. It is portrayed in movies and T.V. shows as the 'end-all-be-all' to social survival. No matter what the social group: the moms on our block, the second grade kids in the class or the toddlers in a playgroup, we see the effects of popularity in all of those social settings. One interesting aspect of popularity is the idea that it doesn't matter how many friends you have...if they aren't the "right ones" (the ones with high social status) you may not be considered popular. "Even very young kids know who has the social power in the classroom, " says Tracy Vaillancourt, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Ottawa, "and by fifth or sixth grade, popularity can become nearly all-consuming." So what is it about these kids that make them "popular" and is it necessarily something we want our kids to aspire to?
One very wise third/fifth grade teacher I used to work with once had a discussion with her students about popularity. She, along with her class, came to the realization that it is not necessarily the smart, or the kind, or sensitive kids who are popular, it is the kids who are the loudest, who command the most attention, that are usually considered the most popular. Vaillancourt agrees saying, "They understand who sets the rules, including which kids get to play. The others need to conform, or at least not challenge them." But what about the kid who doesn't necessarily want to conform to everything the loud, "popular" kids want to do? Parents stress about this all the time! They ask, "Why can't she just join 'that' group? I know she doesn't like singing and dancing in front of other people, but it's what all 'those' kids are doing during recess." Or they try to convince their violin virtuoso son that it is much more important to join the soccer team because that's what all his 'friends' are doing. As well meaning as these comments and attempts are at trying to make their kids happier and more socially connected; it doesn't necessarily yield the best results. The subtle message in this approach is that in order to have friends, the child has to do things they don't necessarily want to do. This is just the precursor to peer pressure in middle and high school when friends may encourage your child to engage in risky behavior in order to remain in high social status. Instead, it is much more supportive to show him or her that their interests are important. In fact, it is usually the independent thinkers and the kids who are unwilling to conform who become successful adults!
Dr. Robert Faris, Ph.D. and sociology professor at the University of California - Davis, took a look at the toll popularity can take on kids. He found that the most popular kids are hit with more peer pressure. If anyone remembers the iconic film, The Breakfast Club, you'll recall how hard it was for the popular girl, Claire (Molly Ringwald) and the popular, athletic boy, Andy (Emillio Estevez) to agree to say hello to the nerd, Brian (Anthony Michael Hall) or the basket case, Allie (Allie Sheedy) in school on Monday after they spent a very emotional day together in detention. "Our friends just wouldn't understand." was the rationale proposed by Claire. She also said very tearfully and heartfelt, "You don't understand how hard it is for us." (meaning herself and Andy) regarding dealing with peer pressure.
So the take home message is popularity may not be all it’s cracked up to be and as parents our job should be to support our children in their interests and provide them with the understanding that being true to themselves in the long run is much more important than following “the crowd.”
Reference:
Rowley, Barbara; Does Popularity Really Matter?; parenting.com/article/popularity
