Temperament not Disobedience

How many times have you asked yourself, "Why does this kid love to push my buttons?" regarding your own child's apparently disobedient behavior?  Like when they won't get out of the car to run a "really quick" errand  or when they completely melt down when you tell them they ran out of blue cotton candy at the fair  or when they run screaming from you when you simply try to brush their hair in the morning before school?
What if I told you this behavior has nothing to do with disobedience, but rather temperament?  You might say, "OK, but what is temperament, anyway?!"  Glad you asked!  In the 1950's, researchers Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas provided us with ground breaking research on personality development.  They were among the first researchers to identify that there are genetic influences in how your child reacts to the world around him or her.  This first and most natural reaction to the world and the people in it is called temperament.  Researchers have discovered that temperament has biological, neurological, and physiological underpinnings that affect your child in many ways, including their mood, ability to calm himself and activity level.  So now you may be thinking, "Great!  I always said this kid's wiring was a little screwy and now I know it is! That doesn't help me when she is throwing a fit and won't get dressed because of the tag in the back of her shirt!"  However, I suggest to you that  biology is not destiny!   According to David Reiss of George Washington University, "Whether and how strongly genes that underlie behaviors are turned on or expressed depends on the interactions and relationships a child has with the important people in his life."  So it is our role as parents to help our child understand their temperament, emphasize their strengths, and guide them to react appropriately.   There are positive and negative aspects of all the temperamental traits.  Parents make the difference by helping a child to shape her particular qualities in the most advantageous way.
There are nine different temperamental traits and they all fall on a continuum from a mild reaction to a strong reaction.  In order to better understand your child's behavior and be able to predict and thereby avoid major behavioral meltdowns, you need to think about your child's typical, most natural reactions to these nine traits.  You can quantify the reactions such that on a continuum of 1 to 5, 1 would mean a very mild reaction and 5 would mean a strong reaction to the following traits.

 Intensity - How strong are your child's emotional reactions?  Does he laugh and cry loudly and energetically or softly and mildly?
Persistence - If your child is involved in an activity and you tell her to stop, does she stop easily or fight to continue?
Sensitivity - How aware is your child of slight noises, emotions, and differences in temperature, taste, and texture?  Does he react easily to certain foods, tags in clothing, irritating noises or your stress level?
Perceptiveness - Does your child notice people, colors, noises, and objects around her?  Does she frequently forget to do what you asked because something else has caught her attention?
Adaptability - How quickly does your child adapt to changes in his schedule or routine?  How does he cope with surprises?
Regularity - Is your child quite regular about eating times, sleeping times, amount of sleep needed and other bodily functions?
Energy - Is your child always on the move and busy or quiet and calm?  Does he need to run, jump, and use his whole body in order to feel good?
First Reaction - What is your child's first reaction when she is asked to meet people, try a new activity or idea, or go someplace new?
Mood - How much of the time does your child feel happy and content compared with serious, analytical or solemn?

If you add up your ratings across the 9 temperamental traits, you can place your child's temperament on the following continuum:
9 - 18 = Low-key cool child
19 - 28 = Spunky child
29 - 45 = Spirited child

Having this knowledge can reframe the way you look at your child's behavior.  Your child doesn't get to choose his temperament and neither do you, but an understanding of temperament allows you to be better able to predict your child's typical reaction to things and plan for success.

Sources:
Kurcinka, Mary; Raising your Spirited Child; Harper; 2006

The Dance of Attachment

The dance between parent and child that we engage in from the time we bring those sweet smelling, adorably wrapped bundles home from the hospital to the college years and beyond is know as Attachment.  It is a reciprocal interaction that requires attunement to each others' needs and how the responses of each participant impacts the other.   But wait...there's more...so much more!!  We as parents, show up to the dance with our own dance steps and ways of interacting that were established when we were children.  Some of those reactions may not even be within our conscious awareness, but they strongly shape our reactions to our own children.  And what we know from research is that our attachment to our parents and the internal working model that is set within us for creating future relationships is often the type of attachment we will establish with our children.  So how do we build the most secure attachments with our children?
Through the work of researchers such as John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, we have learned a good deal about attachment behaviors and how they influence how we perceive the world.  We also now know the importance of relationships on a child's growing neurobiology,  so in essence, our attachment patterns have a very strong influence on our brain development!  As described in Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell's book, Parenting from the Inside Out, here are the ABC's of Attachment:
Attunement - Aligning your own internal state with those of your children.  Often accomplished by the contingent sharing of nonverbal signals.  (i.e. - your baby smiles -  you smile back!)
Balance - Your children attain balance of their body, emotions and states of mind through attunement with you.  (i.e.- your response to their skinned knee is calm, supportive and validating of the situation; rather than over-reactive - rushing to the hospital or under-reactive and dismissing of the situation.)
Coherence - The sense of integration that is acquired by your children through your relationship with them in which they are able to come to feel both internally integrated and interpersonally connected to others.  (i.e. - your infant cries and you respond to meet their needs allowing them to know that they are capable of getting their needs met and also recognizing that you are there to meet those needs early on.)  
Based on these principles, Attachment allows the child to seek proximity to the parent; go to the parent at times of distress for comforting as a source of safe haven; and internalize the relationship with the parent as an internal model of a secure base.  These repeated experiences of feeling connected, understood and protected are what create a Secure Attachment between parent and child.  We all want that for our children, but what can interfere with achieving a secure attachment are our own unresolved issues and leftover baggage from our own attachment experiences with our parents.  Here's what I consider the really hard part of parenting...self-reflection in order to determine what is undermining our goal of a secure attachment and attuned interactions with our children!  The process of self-reflection takes time and energy, but can be immensely beneficial to making the dance of attachment smoother and more beautiful rather than full of mis-steps and stubbed toes!  An activity that I would like to suggest to start the process of self-reflection would be to write in a journal when your emotions are reactive and heating up.  You may begin to notice certain patterns of interactions with your child that trigger these emotional experiences.  I know for me, I began to recognize that whenever my children approached me for help with a creative project that required some artistic ability, I reacted with agitation and impatience.  I would start to get snippy with them and put down their ideas.  Once this pattern of reaction became apparent to me, I began to reflect on why I reacted that way and I realized that whenever I brought home those types of creative projects, my mother would take over and do it all for me, leaving me feeling helpless and inadequate.  These feelings resurfaced when I was faced with this experience with my own children, thus my reaction!!  With reflection comes much greater awareness and the ability to alter the interactions that impede attunement and connectedness.    Try it...you may be surprised by the results!


Sources:
D. Siegel, &M. Hartzell, Parenting from the Inside Out - How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help you Raise Children Who Thrive, New York, Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin, 2003

Heads Up for MindUp

Last year, I piloted a program in Kindergarten called MindUp.  It is a program which fosters focused classrooms, mindful learning and resilient children.  I felt that implementing this curriculum would be a good first step in trying to combat some of the stressors and pressures our children face that were highlighted in the documentary, "Race to Nowhere."  And what better population to start with than our very youngest students!  I was completely amazed at how much these 5 and 6-year olds were able to take in regarding their brain anatomy and how it functions; in the process gaining insight into their own minds and behaviors as well as those of the people around them.  It provided them with terminology and an understanding of how they were in control of their emotional state.  Guiding them through activities that highlighted how much more we can take in if we use our senses mindfully, allowed them to understand that focusing their attention had quite a lot of benefits.

This year, we are continuing the program in Kindergarten and we are branching out to provide this instruction to our second graders as well.  It thrills me when a student approaches me after learning about the parts of their brain with a comment like, "My amygdala was going nuts and made me 'flee' when I heard my house alarm go off last night!", or "I did great on my last math test because I was using my Prefrontal Cortex!"  They are now connecting brain activity with their own behavior and performance.  This provides them with a great deal of control over their reactions to life events.  

Over the last 24 years that I have been in this field, I have seen a tremendous increase in the number of children who suffer from some form of anxiety.  It may be transient in relation to a particular life event, or it may be more chronic anxiety stemming from persistent familial or financial difficulties within the family.  Either way, these stressors interfere with a child's ability to learn and interact appropriately with others.  MindUp addresses these road-blocks to learning and living by providing children and teachers with tools for self-regulation and self-reliance and optimistic thinking!

2nd graders visualizing how to calm an excited brain.

Goldie Hawn is a part of producing this innovative, researched based program.  To learn more about this program, please visit http://teacher.scholastic.com/products/mindup/

A Day In The Life of This School Psychologist

As the long rays of the summer sun dwindle and I begin to hear the squawk of a bird that in my mind signifies the end of the cicadas' summer party, I think about getting back to work.  I think about this prospect with enthusiasm and excitement (even after 23 years on the job!!) That's because I happen to have one of the most rewarding and exciting jobs on the planet!  I am a school psychologist. 

To many people, the school psychologist might be someone who shows up to meetings in fancy clothes and goes over reports regarding "Intelligence Quotients"

and "Standard Deviations".  Believe me, I like dressing up as much as the next gal, but if that was all I did, I'd be missing out on so much of what this job has to offer!  On a daily basis, I am amazed, challenged, frustrated, educated, and loved! 

Unlike my colleagues in the classroom who can and usually do follow a pretty prescribed schedule of daily events...8:20 -Science, 9:15 -Computers, etc., my schedule may look like this: 8:20 - Observe Johnny in Math, but at 8:00 I might get a call from a frantic parent who can't convince their child that coming to school would be a great idea today!  Now we need to come up with a plan to help reduce the child's anxiety, reinforce coming to school and provide the support that the distraught parent needs to get through this harrowing event!  So I wind up catching up with Johnny a little later after our School-Resister has stopped hyperventilating and their parent is fully convinced that we will be able to provide the safety and security that their child needs to feel comfortable at school.  Mission accomplished! 

After that, I get to engage with Kindergarteners to teach the importance of being Mindful and how the different parts of our brains are responsible for our emotional reactions and our memories!  Heavy stuff, but you would be amazed at how excited they are to learn about it!  Next, I might get a call from a teacher regarding an on-going struggle between three girls in her second grade class.  Could I do a mediation with these ladies to get to the bottom of the problem and encourage more positive interactions between them? Of course I can!  Allowing these young ladies a safe forum for sharing their feelings of insecurity and loneliness enables them to get a deeper understanding of each others’ perspectives and a healthier relationship emerges!  A team meeting may follow which enables all the service providers, i.e. Speech Therapist, Learning Center Instructor, Reading Specialist, and me, to collaborate with a classroom teacher to construct behavior modification plans to help improve a particular child's attending skills or reduce impulsive/disruptive behavior.  Strategies are shared, data is reviewed and we walk away with a better understanding of the student's needs and what we will do to address them.  One of my favorite parts of the day is lunch time and not just because I'm a food-junkie!  It is because it is my chance to work with students in small groups to improve social skills, build communication skills and encourage friendships all while eating and playing games!  When an impulsive group of first graders remembers the group rules for not interrupting each other and compromises to solve the problem of what game to play with win-win results, I'm like a proud momma watching her children "play nice" with each other!

Of course it's not always a smooth ride and there are times when all my best efforts and practices are not enough to make an immediate difference for a child who has lost a parent, for example. But knowing that I will be there to support and listen to this child as he or she processes the loss is something I can do over time to help the healing begin. 

My day might end with another lesson in the Kindergarten classroom using a program called DUSO (Developing Understanding of Self and Others) in which I use a Dolphin puppet to tell stories and teach children valuable life lessons.  I leave the room with the most adorable little people shouting, "Bye DUSO, see you next week!"  They may even run up to give me a hug as I leave the room.  I truly feel that these hugs have a life-giving force and I sincerely can't get enough of it!  So I say goodbye to the summer days of sunbathing on the bow of our boat on Highland Lake because I must get back to my happy place, my job as a school psychologist. 

Summer Reading for Moms and Dads

Every year you receive your child’s last report card and it says, “Johnny or Susie should continue reading this summer to maintain his/her skills.”   I would like to suggest that we, as parents, do the same.  We can take this opportunity while our children are away or otherwise occupied to hone our own skills by reading the works of some influential people in the field of parenting.   That way when the school year begins again on September 1^st, not only would we have maintained our skills, we may even have a little more knowledge and some tricks up our sleeve to navigate the very difficult waters of parenthood!  Here are some Summer Reading Suggestions for parents that were made by educational psychologist and consultant, Lori Day (loridayconsulting.com).  Enjoy and Happy Reading!

1.     Get to know the work of Peggy Orenstein, author of Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture. Ms. Orenstein has one of the most prominent and influential voices in today's debate about the effects of media and marketing on female development and the modern perception of girls. If you're looking for someone who flat-out gets it, look no further.
2.  Get to know the work of Michael Thompson. He is the author of Speaking of Boys: Answers to the Most-Asked Questions About Raising Sons, as well as the co-author, with Dan Kindlon, of the New York Times best-selling book, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. His latest book, It's a Boy!, is a comprehensive guide for the parents of boys.
3.  Focus on reading and the important role of fathers. Chris Singer-stay-at-home dad, reader, blogger, social entrepreneur and technology wizard-uses his BookDads website to review children's books, blog about issues affecting children today, and promote the crucial role of fathers. Check Chris out at http://www.BookDads.com. He's got a lot to say about the kind of world he wants for his own daughter, and the relative absence of fathers' voices when it comes to the issue of society's sexualization of young girls.
4.  Read Richard Louv's Last Child in the Woods. In this influential work about the staggering divide between children and the outdoors, child advocacy expert Richard Louv directly links the lack of nature in the lives of today's wired generation--he calls it nature-deficit--to some of the most disturbing childhood trends, such as the rises in obesity, attention disorders, and depression.
5.  Promote mental health and resilience in kids. Find out what father and character educator Patrick McMillan has accomplished on behalf of his own children, and all of our children, at http://www.kidscandoanything.com. Patrick's programs An Exercise in Happiness and Attracting Happiness help kids determine what really makes them feel happy and how happiness can become a habitual way of being. When we think good thoughts about ourselves, the world we live in and about our future, we feel good, and when we feel good we do well by taking action on our good thoughts and feelings.

Highly Effective Mothering

As we are finally seeing the first signs of spring with the birth of baby geese along our highways (never understood why that is considered prime real-estate for raising a family!)  and Mother's Day rapidly approaching, I write this for all the mothers out there who spend countless hours wondering, "Am I doing this whole mothering- thing right?"  For anyone who hasn't wondered this, I want to know your secret (or maybe you just don't care!)  In any case, we are influenced by an infinite number of  factors that provide us with the criteria for achieving the coveted  "highly effective" status as a parent.  And just as the results of standardized tests may not be the most accurate or appropriate judge for whether a teacher is highly effective, some of the standards we hold ourselves to as moms are not appropriate either!  

At this point, most of my children are past the point where I feel that any and all decisions and actions I make will have some direct impact on them, I still remember the days when waking up and getting to a soccer game on time with the right child, in the right uniform with the right equipment (water bottle, cleats, snacks, etc.) was the goal and I was successful if I was able to accomplish this!  It didn't matter if I was a raving lunatic rummaging through the hamper of dirty clothes to find the uniform top ten minutes before the game!  On other days, if I was able to stay awake while my child was asking me to help them with their Haiku poem at 7:00pm - I earned the gold star for that day!  Some may think that my standards are somewhat low...who couldn't do those things?  However, by celebrating my little day to day successes throughout the years, I was able to handle the disappointment when my oldest couldn't quite balance his new-found freedom and the responsibilities of learning on his own during his first year at college and had to return home due to poor grades.

Our parenting competencies get called into question over so many things our children do and say and by so many sources.  One mother I spoke to recently was concerned that there must be something she was doing wrong because her five year old was still wetting the bed.  Another felt criticized by her own parents because her  four year old preferred using her fingers rather than utensils during a family dinner of spaghetti and meatballs.  The glances we get from other parents as our child is having a melt-down during dance class or after making the last out at their baseball game are all judgements of our parenting skills and on any given day, those judgements can overwhelm us and make us question what God was thinking when he allowed us to become parents!  To keep ourselves from falling into despair on those occasions,  we must focus on what we do right!  The time when the woman in the pew behind me at church leaned over and said, "Your children are so well behaved!" at the end of mass was something I carried with me as the antidote to the stares, tisks and, disapproving glances I used to get when they were battling each other to push the shopping cart at the grocery store!  

We worry and wonder if we are doing the hardest job in the world highly effectively with no formal training (and sometimes we are using the "What not to do"  approach if our own parents left some emotional scarring!)  So for Mother's Day this year, let's give ourselves the gift of understanding that there are many things that go into making our children who they and some are out of our control,  forgiveness for the  mistakes we make day-to-day and the wisdom to know that at the end of the day if we have tried hard to stay positive and focus on the good within each of our children...we are G.E.M.s (Good Enough Moms!)

Navigating Social Media with our Kids

Over the last week, Mr. Sinanis and I have conducted some cyber etiquette/ cyber bullying workshops with the third, fourth and fifth grade students and as usual, I think I learned more than they did!  Our 8 – 11 year olds are savvy consumers and users of social media.  They know the ins and outs of apps like Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook.  These young people are being given seemingly harmless, one could even say educational devices like, Kindle Fires, ipads, Nooks, ipod touches and iphones, without so much as a thought that there is danger lurking under the shiny black surface.  There is no warning from the Surgeon General on the label of these products that says they could be harmful to your emotional well-being. 

During our visits, we were told of “Beauty Contests” that are held on Instagram where viewers are asked to rate the pictures of some willing and some not-so-willing contestants.  It sounded like even truck drivers would blush at some of the language used in the comments on the pictures posted on Instagram according to the kids.  The children spoke of being blackmailed in text messages to force them not to rat out the black mailer. The spreading of rumors using group chats was discussed and we got a few comments related to unknown parties making inappropriate, unkind comments on pictures posted on Instagram. 

The lure of social media is extremely strong.  In a 2012 review article in Personality and Individual Differences called “Why Do People Use Facebook?” Boston University psychologist Stefan Hofmann, PhD, broke down the site’s appeal into two areas: the need to belong and the need for self-presentation.  Facebook, Hofmann says, satisfies both of those basic needs.  So for a pre-adolescent whose goal in life right now is to establish themselves among their peers as someone worth knowing and being around, the draw is even greater!  The thought is, “I follow the kid who posted that sexy photo of the woman in the bikini!  I’m gonna “like” it and forward it to 20 friends who will then know how cool I am!” 

So how do we help our kids navigate the extremely rough waters of social media usage? 

• First of all, we have to be informed!  It is so important to stay in touch with what your kids are doing and talking about.  Ask questions, be nosy and stay in the loop!
• Next, we have to set some ground rules for social media usage.  Those apps are so darn easy to load and they are free, so with the touch of a finger, the kids are up and running with the latest tweets, posts and pictures. 
• It is perfectly o.k. for you to let them know that they may only join a social media site with your approval, and then check out their apps (even if you have to wait until they are asleep to do so!)  The next rule is you must be able to “Friend” them or follow them on any of those sites.  Their knowledge that you will see everything that they see and post may not stop them from doing foolish things, (I know because I occasionally cringe when I see what my 19 year old son posts every now and then) but at least you will know and can address it before it gets out of control. 
• Another important rule for social media usage is that they must share their passwords to these sites with you. We stressed this with the kids a great deal – their passwords are PRIVATE to everyone, even their BFFs, but they must be shared with their parents.  
• Finally, don’t be afraid to say something if you see something disturbing.  As parents, we must stick together and have each others’ backs to help in the navigation process.  There is nothing wrong in calling the parents of a child who is either posting inappropriate things or is having unkind things said about them in posts, as long as the call is made without passing judgment on the child and is made strictly to help set the child on the right path or protect them from insult and ridicule.   I’m sure John and Kelly Halligan (Ryan’s Story – Bullying and Cyberbullying prevention program) would have appreciated a call from another parent if they knew the extent of the cyberbullying their son Ryan was being subjected to prior to taking his own life at thirteen years old.   

We have reinforced with the kids that they must take action and not be passive bystanders in the cyber world.  They must block or not follow people that are being unkind... even if those people are their “good friends” and they must inform an adult. On-line behavior has real-life consequences and we want them to feel empowered to act if they are uncomfortable with what they are seeing on-line.  Help them to be powerful by knowing that you are their allies and they can be the change for good in cyberspace.   

The Ins and Outs of Popularity

The idea of being popular is intriguing and enticing to many.  It is portrayed in movies and T.V. shows as the 'end-all-be-all' to social survival.  No matter what the social group:  the moms on our block, the second grade kids in the class or the toddlers in a playgroup, we see the effects of popularity in all of those social settings.  One interesting aspect of popularity is the idea that it doesn't matter how many friends you have...if they aren't the "right ones"  (the ones with high social status) you may not be considered popular.  "Even very young kids know who has the social power in the classroom, " says Tracy Vaillancourt, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Ottawa, "and by fifth or sixth grade, popularity can become nearly all-consuming."  So what is it about these kids that make them "popular" and is it necessarily something we want our kids to aspire to?  

One very wise third/fifth grade teacher I used to work with once had a discussion with her students about popularity.  She, along with her class, came to the realization that it is not necessarily the smart, or the kind, or sensitive kids who are popular, it is the kids who are the loudest, who command the most attention, that are usually considered the most popular.  Vaillancourt agrees saying, "They understand who sets the rules, including which kids get to play.  The others need to conform, or at least not challenge them."  But what about the kid who doesn't necessarily want to conform to everything the loud, "popular" kids want to do?  Parents stress about this all the time!  They ask, "Why can't she just join 'that' group?  I know she doesn't like singing and dancing in front of other people, but it's what all 'those' kids are doing during recess."   Or they try to convince their violin virtuoso son that it is much more important to join the soccer team because that's what all his 'friends' are doing.  As well meaning as these comments and attempts are at trying to make their kids happier and more socially connected; it doesn't necessarily yield the best results.  The subtle message in this approach is that in order to have friends, the child has to do things they don't necessarily want to do.    This is just the precursor to peer pressure in middle and high school when friends may encourage your child to engage in risky behavior in order to remain in high social status.   Instead, it is much more supportive to show him or her that their interests are important.  In fact, it is usually the independent thinkers and the kids who are unwilling to conform who become successful adults!  

Dr. Robert Faris, Ph.D. and sociology professor at the University of California - Davis, took a look at the toll popularity can take on kids.  He found that the most popular kids are hit with more peer pressure.  If anyone remembers the iconic film, The Breakfast Club, you'll recall how hard it was for the popular girl, Claire (Molly Ringwald) and the popular, athletic boy, Andy (Emillio Estevez) to agree to say hello to the nerd, Brian (Anthony Michael Hall) or the basket case, Allie (Allie Sheedy) in school on Monday after they spent a very emotional day together in detention.  "Our friends just wouldn't understand." was the rationale proposed by Claire.  She also said very tearfully and heartfelt, "You don't understand how hard it is for us." (meaning herself and Andy) regarding dealing with peer pressure. 

So the take home message is popularity may not be all it’s cracked up to be and as parents our job should be to support our children in their interests and provide them with the understanding that being true to themselves in the long run is much more important than following “the crowd.” 

Reference:

Rowley, Barbara; Does Popularity Really Matter?; parenting.com/article/popularity