How Do You Define Yourself?

How do you define yourself?  

That was a question asked by Lizzie Velasquez, a 25 year old woman with a very rare syndrome that prevents her from gaining weight.  She has weighed no more than 64 pounds her whole life.  She cannot see out of her right eye and as you might imagine, her appearance is quite unusual.  Because of this, she was bullied much of her life.  It started on her first day of Kindergarten when another child ran away from her after Lizzie simply smiled at her and asked her to play.   This left her wondering what she did wrong.  Later, when she was in high school, someone posted an 8 second video of her and the comments on it included, "Kill it with Fire!", "Why not just pick up a gun and kill yourself?, and "Ugliest Woman in the World."  At that point, she realized she had a choice... she could let those comments, that hatred and that ignorance direct her down a path of self-loathing that could lead her to taking her own life, or she could let her goals, accomplishments and the love of her family and friends guide her towards a better, more accurate definition of herself. She chose the latter and let her goals of becoming a motivational speaker, author, and college graduate define her!

I see children every day feeling defined by what others think or say about them.  I've seen girls and boys brought to tears because they think that others are talking about them or leaving them out of conversations or moving away from them in the lunchroom on purpose.  They are being defined by the cruel acts of some and not by whom they truly are or what they want to be.

Our children need to understand that they define themselves by their actions towards others- good or bad - not by what someone is saying about them or how they look!   A nasty rumor about a kid who is genuinely kind and friendly to others is like a unicorn...it just doesn't exist.  So instead of focusing on the bullying and the negativity, let's empower our kids to focus on their strengths and let their positive goals and actions define them just like the brave Lizzie Velasquez! That's one way to end bullying!! 

Meditation Monday (and Every Day!)

Monday February 9th was to have been the kick off to our PTA’s Heart Health Awareness week.  We were starting off with Meditation Monday.  Unfortunately, Mother Nature had something else in mind and the slick sheet of ice on most of our roads kept us snug in bed, perhaps dreaming of the return of the warm summer sun in a few months!  Even though we lost the opportunity to practice meditation on Monday, it is something that is worth talking about for all its profound benefits to our health, productivity, creativity, stress-reduction and overall psychological well-being.  An article by Alice G. Walton on Forbes.com provides us with scientific evidence that  Meditation can actually change the brain.  

In our fifth grade classes we have been discussing some key areas of the brain involved in learning and memory (the Hippocampus), and emotional regulation (the Amygdala).  The children now know that the Amygdala can provide us with false information about our world and create a heightened sense of anxiety in us if we do not become more mindful and aware of what we are experiencing and how we are reacting to it.  To back this up,  “In 2011, Sara Lazar and her team at Harvard found that mindfulness meditation can actually change the structure of the brain: Eight weeks of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) was found to increase cortical thickness in the hippocampus, which governs learning and memory, and in certain areas of the brain that play roles in emotion regulation and self-referential processing. There were also decreases in brain cell volume in the amygdala, which is responsible for fear, anxiety, and stress – and these changes matched the participants’ self-reports of their stress levels, indicating that meditation not only changes the brain, but it changes our subjective perception and feelings as well.” 

Having this understanding of the neuroplasticity of our brains and providing the children with a different way of viewing their experiences is all part of the Mindfulness training we are doing in fifth grade in the hope of developing more resilient, reflective individuals. 

Sharing the idea that Mindfulness is the act of paying attention, on purpose, in the moment, without judgement sparked some good conversation.  We practiced silently being aware of our inner experiences (thoughts and feelings inside our bodies) and then carefully being aware of our external world (sights, sounds, smells).  We discussed how some of us found it easier to tune-in to our inner experiences and others of us had an easier time focusing our attention on the input to our five senses.  All of this gave the kids an appreciation for how much we process at any given moment if we allow ourselves to be aware of it.  It helped some of them recognize that being mindful and aware of someone else’s circumstances, like the exhaustion of a working parent at the end of a long day, could help to avoid nasty conflicts if they chose a different time to share a new song they learned on the violin.  Awakening in them the understanding that one’s thoughts and feelings can be recognized as events occurring in the broader field of awareness will build their perspective-taking and empathy towards others.  But this new view of the world and themselves in it doesn’t happen overnight...which is why it is called Mindfulness PRACTICE!  So even though we missed out on some mindful meditation in school on Monday, take the opportunity to discuss ways to imbed the practice of mindfulness into your family’s daily routines - it could be starting the day with peaceful breathing and a positive affirmation about how the day will go or ending it with thoughts of gratitude for a day well spent.  The more we practice this mindset, the more empowered we will feel!

Resolving to Change Faulty Parenting Practices

As we start the new year, the most common thing for us to do is reflect on ourselves and try to make improvements.  We call these resolutions.  These resolutions are often short term goals and are motivated by explicit thoughts and don't often reflect our inner or subconscious drives.  It is these subconscious thoughts and beliefs that truly guide our behavior and motivate us to change or stay the same.  So in order to effect real change, we must be honest with ourselves and recognize that many of our beliefs for successful parenting may be faulty and actually may be hurting our children's chances for becoming the best people they can be.  That may sound harsh, but unless we are able to admit that some of our parenting practices may be off the mark, we will never be able to keep these resolutions to be a "better parent."

Leadership expert Dr. Tim Elmore shared his thoughts with Kathy Caprino, a contributing editor to Forbes magazine about how we as parents are failing our children today — coddling and crippling them — and keeping them from becoming leaders they are destined to be.  Tim is a best-selling author of more than 25 books, including Generation iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults, and the Habitudes® series. He is Founder and President of Growing Leaders, an organization dedicated to mentoring today’s young people to become the leaders of tomorrow.  

I found what he had to say to be very practical, but I also realized that many of us in this community and ones similar to it have fallen into many of the parenting traps Tim speaks about.  He refers to "The 7 damaging parenting behaviors that keep children from becoming leaders – of their own lives and of the world’s enterprises."

He starts off with this parenting behavior as the culprit for stealing our children's ability to face fear-producing or emotionally difficult situations:

1. We don’t let our children experience risk.  I see this happening right on my block.  When I leave my house for work, I see many of my neighbor's load their minivans and SUVs with their elementary age-students (grades 2-5) to drive them to (wait for it...) the bus stop on the corner of the block that they can see from their living room window.  I understand the fear of the parent - they don't want their child abducted between their doorway and the transportation used to get them to the safety of school, however according to research done in Europe, this parenting behavior may actually be fueling the development of phobias in youngsters not allowed to take appropriate risks.  If we continue preventing our children from experiencing risk, we will likely see high arrogance and low self-esteem in our growing leaders, according to Dr. Elmore.                                                                                                                                  The second parenting practice that Tim suggests will cripple our growing leaders is:
2. We rescue our kids too quickly.  Our Reading and Math Specialists often remind teachers and parents that it is very important for the child to "think" about the answer or how to decode a word before we swoop in to prevent the child's 'discomfort' while struggling with the concept.  I am guilty of this myself when my daughter asks for my help with editing a creative writing piece.  I will often say, "It might sound better like this...." and provide her with an alternative to what she has written, instead of asking her, "What do you think you could do to liven this part up or clarify what you are saying in this section."  "It’s parenting for the short-term and it sorely misses the point of leadership—to equip our young people to do it without help."
3. We rave too much.  The advent of social media has given us a forum to rave about our kids accomplishments at a dizzying rate!!!  It starts early...I have seen it happen with parents of infants who post the video of their five month old tossing a toy from their bouncy chair with the caption - "Look at our little champion - the next Eli Manning!" All the way to the posts about Spelling Bee winners and Little League standouts!  Tim explains, kids "begin to doubt the objectivity of their parents; it feels good in the moment, but it’s not connected to reality. When we rave too easily and disregard poor behavior, children eventually learn to cheat, exaggerate and lie and to avoid difficult reality."
4. We let guilt get in the way of leading well.  By this Tim means we have a need for our children to always like us because we may feel some guilt for being a family with two working parents, perhaps.  He cautions against parenting out of guilt and buying our children's happiness, especially if what they need are limits and consequences.  "If your relationship is based on material rewards, kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation nor unconditional love."  I actually witnessed a parent tell a child that he would buy the child a toy in order to get him to stop tantrumming after five minutes because it appeared the father somehow felt guilty that he had caused the child to become upset by questioning  his inappropriate behavior in school.  So by this parenting practice, this child has quickly learned that when he does not want to face the consequences of his actions, crying and gaging are his way out!  The next parenting pitfall according to Tim Elmore is:  
5. We don’t share our past mistakes.  This can be hard because for many of us, we want to appear "perfect" in the eyes of our children. However if we are able to recognize when our child is about to make a mistake we have made in the past, there is nothing wrong in letting them know that you had been down this path and here's how it ended up for you.  Allowing our children to learn from our mistakes enables them to see that we too are life-long learners and that mistakes help us grow.  The sixth crippling parenting practice is:
6. We mistake intelligence, giftedness and influence for maturity.  Elmore explains that simply because a child demonstrates a gift or a talent for something, doesn’t necessarily mean they are ready for the responsibilities of an older child.  Emotional maturity may lag behind many other capabilities and we may be setting our children up for disaster if we don’t recognize the discrepancies between our children’s giftedness in certain areas and their maturity level.  Tim suggests, “...a good rule of thumb is to observe other children the same age as yours.  If you notice that they are doing more for themselves than your child does, you may be delaying your child’s independence.”  Finally, Tim Elmore suggest another parenting flaw: 
7. We don’t practice what we preach.  We may all believe that helping others is an admirable quality; however unless we show our kids what it means to give to others by volunteering or even being a good son or daughter to our own aging and ailing parents; they may not develop the qualities of  a selfless leader who puts the needs of others before their own. 

So as we make our resolutions to be better people and parents in 2015, let’s try to keep in mind these sinkholes to successful parenting and avoid them the best we can! 

Reference: Caprino, Kathy, “7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders” Forbes Magazine, January 16, 2014  

Ellis Island Trip - A look back provides perspective on modern-day immigrants

Late November is one of our family's most cherished times of the year.  We host our family's Thanksgiving Day feast and that means my sister and her family trek in from sunny, warm Florida to grace our table.  I not only enjoy this because my sister makes me laugh harder than most people, she also gives me a reason to explore some really incredible tourist sights in the amazing metropolis that is 40 minutes from our home, Manhattan!  My nephew is a native Floridian, so we often do the "Touristy stuff" when they are in town.  So this year, we decided to visit Ellis Island.  There was good reason for this trip...my nephew had to do a writing assignment related to what it was like to be an immigrant child in the late 1800's when Ellis Island was the first stop for almost all the immigrants coming from Europe and the middle East to the United States.  To tell the truth, in my forty-something years living on Long Island, I had never been to Ellis Island, so I was certainly game for this trip!
While waiting to board the ferry at the tip of Manhattan, we were herded into a giant mass of humanity.  My group was large and we were a chatty bunch, but every now and then when there was a lull in the conversation, I took note of the fact that we were one of the only groups speaking English.   There was a group of Chinese people to my left, a Russian couple was behind us and a friendly Jamaican family stood directly in front of us.  It certainly gave me an authentic feeling of excitement being one of the many diverse immigrants trying to make our way to Ellis Island.  The difference for us was that we knew we belonged here; the immigrants on their journey over 120 years ago had no idea what they were getting into -was it going to be the nirvana that they may had been promised or would they be outcasts in their new land or worse turned away and sent back to their homeland.
As we toured the facility, I was overwhelmed by the size and the amount of people who had passed through these halls not knowing what fate had in store for them.  The images of the people from that time made me wonder -  would I be able to be that brave if I had to leave my home and travel to a completely foreign land?  Would I be able to protect my children from the harsh realities of separation and discrimination?  And then I began to think about some of the modern day immigrants that I have come in contact with at work.
I realized that there are many people in our school community that have either made great sacrifices to be here or those that are here because living in their homeland was incredibly unsafe.  Parents have sent their only child here in order to provide them with a better education, not really knowing the people that would be hosting him or her.  In other situations, mothers and children have come here while the fathers remain in their native country in order to maintain their jobs and their incomes.  I have also heard of families fleeing unrest in their homelands, but they continue to carry with them the constant distrust and suspicion they had experienced prior to coming here.   I began to think about the daily trials and tribulations of these groups of people who have come to the U.S. in search of something better.  I realized that just because immigrants don't have to stop at Ellis Island anymore, they continue to experience the same fear and uncertainty that the immigrants of a century ago endured.
The language is just the first barrier to assimilating to a new world.  I was reminded of a situation I had to deal with a week or so ago, when two Asian girls were in tears due to some friendship difficulties and I was trying to help them see the other's perspective, but when it came right down to it, I could do nothing until they were able to communicate with each other in a manner to which they are accustomed.  That being said, it is also amazing to me how quickly the children learn a new language!  I have seen Kindergarten children come in with no English, and by second grade, they don't even have an accent from their native tongue!  For their parents, this transition is much harder because the window for the critical period for learning language has closed.  When I sit at parent teacher conferences, I try to put myself in the foreign-speaking parent's shoes and wonder what it must be like trying to piece together the comments made by the teacher about my child when I am only understanding every fifth word!   How incredibly frustrating - especially when you can read the worried expression on the teacher's face, but can't for the life of you understand what is being said!
Then fitting into a new community is another challenge for our current-day immigrants.  Again, the children seem to have an advantage because school provides them with an unavoidable opportunity to come in contact with other children.  They eat with them in the cafeteria and have the universal language of play during recess.  But what about the parent stuck at home, not sure of how to get around in this new place and who to trust when it comes to making friends?  I can only imagine it must be very lonely and intimidating to come to a PTA meeting when you have no one to sit with and don't understand much of what is being said.
So this year's Thanksgiving tourist trip to Ellis Island was supposed to be an historical  look back at the courage and determination of immigrants from the 1800's, however it provided me with the realization that today's immigrants face the same fears and hurdles that their ancestors experienced.   Being aware of their perpetual need to adapt and fit in, both in terms of their language and their culture, is something that we all need to be sensitive to.  Recognizing the sacrifices that they have endured in their immigration and honoring the time it takes to settle in is something we must respect.

Opportunities for Character Development come wrapped in a Halloween Costume

Remember when Halloween meant your mom was either going to cut holes in a white pillow case to transform you into a ghost or you wore all black with a cape and poof – you were a bat!?  Remember when the only activity to celebrate Halloween was trick-or-treating and eating the candy as you went from house to house without a care? 

Today, things are very different for our kids and for us as parents!  Now we get a 20 page catalog in the mail from Party City with every imaginable super hero, villain, princess or fairy costume! (Slightly overwhelming for the child who has trouble making decisions!) For the older set we have the added enticement of the Pop-up Halloween stores like Halloween Scene which carry costumes that can make even Alice-in-Wonderland seem dirty!  And on top of that, there are the social stressors that surround the numerous activities associated with Halloween. It is so critical that we as parents help our children navigate the social waters of this potentially stressful season.  I will share with you some of the most common difficulties that have been shared with me and some ways for us to support our children so that there are less “Tricks” and more “Treats” at Halloween.

One major issue that rears its ugly head at this time of the year is the issue of inclusion and exclusion.  Often times, children decide they would like to dress alike or dress as members of a group for their Halloween costumes.  This invariably creates a problem with someone being left out of the group.  It is important to ask your child who is involved and if they’ve considered everyone when planning this group costume.  If you know of someone being left out, suggest to your child that they include the other child in the group in some way.  This helps them develop the ability to take another’s perspective and to be inclusive of others.  The positive feeling they will get from the child who is being included will be the best “treat” your child could get at Halloween.

Another issue that is as common place as pumpkins and black cats during this month is that of commitment.  I frequently hear the laments of students who say, “We agreed that we would be devils together and now she/he said they want to be something else with someone else!!”  These children are disappointed and disillusioned in the friendship they had with the other child.  Even if there has been a falling out between the children which prompted the one child to want to change costumes and abandon that friend, it is important for us as parents to point out the importance of commitment to a friend.  Children need to learn that it is not always easy to do the right thing, but when you make a promise to someone, it is very important to follow through on that promise.  Knowing that you will not support their decision to drop that friend and change costumes may prompt your child to think of a way to work out the conflict that may have arisen between the two children instead of simply walking away from the commitment.  And aren’t problem solving and conflict resolution skills what we truly want our children to develop as they grow and mature?

Now what if your child is the one who is left out of a group or has not been approached by anyone to go trick-or-treating with them?  This pain can be worse than the stake through the vampire’s heart for us parents to bear, but again it gives us the chance to provide our children with valuable skills for building self-reliance and independence. Instead of allowing your child to throw a “pity-party” for themselves because they are feeling left-out and alone, you may need to rehearse with your child ways to ask another child to join them trick-or-treating instead of waiting to be asked by someone.  Giving them the confidence they need to take the first step will be so much more empowering than just agreeing with them that the children in the class or neighborhood are mean and inconsiderate for not including them in their Halloween plans. 

Who knew a simple holiday could provide us with so many wonderful opportunities to teach our children the life lessons of consideration of others, commitment to each other, problem-solving and self-reliance and independence!  Here’s to a happy and character-building Halloween!

Strategies for Getting your Kids to Talk

The start of a new school year….a mix of emotions!  Excitement for something new to begin.  Anticipation of change.  Fear of the unknown.  Sadness for the end of leisure and relaxation.  And these are the emotions I am feeling after doing the same job for 25 years…imagine what it is like for your elementary- aged child who is just starting this journey of life!!!  They experience all these things and often don’t have a way of expressing all these big emotions.  That is why it is so important to encourage communication with your child.  The problem is when they get home from school, all you hear after you ask, “How was school today?” is “Fine or O.K. or Good.”  That doesn't exactly fill our craving for information about how our little person navigated the world of school without us.  We may need to employ our super sleuth skills as powerful parents to try to unearth the secrets of the six hour separation between us and our children.  Many of us did not sign up for the F.B.I. interrogation strategies course before we became parents, so I will give you an over-view of what you may have missed and how to get the most out of talking with your child. 

First…It is important to determine when the suspect (in this case, your child) is in the right frame of mind to spill his or her guts.  For some, it is right after they get off the bus, but for the majority of others, it is right before it is time for lights out!  You may not be thrilled by this, and your eyelids may be at half-mast, but once your little one starts to recount an interaction with a peer as his/her head is hitting the pillow, I promise, you will perk up.   Know your child and work with his or her internal schedule.

Next…You must use the right questioning tactics to produce the best results. “How was school today?” is a little too vague for most of our charges, so you may need to spice up your questions.  For instance, you could try:

·        Tell me something that made you laugh today.

·        Tell me about what happened in the cafeteria today – anyone bring anything you didn't recognize for lunch? – anyone bring in your favorite food?

·        Tell me something you learned today.  Maybe it was the name of the kid sitting next to you in class.  Maybe it was where the nearest bathroom is to your room. (Anything they learned is important!!)

·        If you could sit next to anyone in the class, who would it be? (This gets at budding friendships without coming out and asking, “Who’s your best friend?”)  Then follow up with, “Why would you want to sit next to them?”  You may be very surprised by the response!  My son’s response to that in first grade was, “I want to sit next to Billy because he taught me how to make armpit farts during recess!”  Super!!

·        Who do you think you could help with work or with making friends? is a great question for getting your child to focus on the needs of others and be reflective about what they could do to be supportive.  This is very empowering for them. 

·        If you were the teacher, how would you say your day went?  Again, the focus here is not on your child, but rather on helping them take another’s perspective and recognize how their behavior and that of their classmates impacts the teacher in positive and negative ways.  This is an important process in producing a more mindful person. 

Finally…now that you have a more robust stockpile of information regarding the time frame in question (the school day), laugh with your child!  Allow them to decompress and look forward to sharing more details with you regarding their daily experiences in the future. 

Your honorary F.B.I. interrogation training is complete – use it responsibly!

A Healthy Habit - Hugging

Almost every day after work, I enter my house and I am greeted by my 15 year old daughter.  She is seated in her favorite spot at our kitchen table with her books spread out in front of her and her planner dutifully indicating what needs to get done.  Within minutes of entering the kitchen or family room, she asks me, “Can I get a hug?” or “Would you like a hug?”  At first, I worried, is she getting enough affection from her dad and me?  My other two older children rarely requested hugs; they seemed content with the occasional snuggle and squeeze they randomly received over the course of the day.  So what was prompting my daughter’s desire for this kind of affectionate contact?  Turns out it has to do with science and the brain!!  New research suggests that cuddling and hugging causes the hippocampus to grow.  Cantiague’s Kindergartners, first and second graders know that the hippocampus is an area of the brain dedicated to memory and learning.  A larger hippocampus means more neural connections, so kids pick up, retain, and recall new information better.  Maybe that is why my daughter looks for the hugs just before starting her homework!

I also found out that snuggling and close affectionate contact releases oxytocin, the love hormone.  This hormone increases children’s feelings of happiness, improves their sociability and makes them more cooperative.  So hugging around homework and bedtime might be a more effective parenting tool than shouting and threatening! 

Finally, it appears that my anxious child intuitively knew that hugs and snuggles help to reduce her stress levels.  Research revealed that cortisol levels (our stress hormone) and blood pressure decrease when we have close physical contact with our loved ones.  These effects are long lasting, too.  With a good dose of TLC, our children are better able to deal with the challenges that face them academically and/or socially throughout the day.  So whether you have a child who asks for the hug or one that doesn’t seem to need it as much – go ahead and grab ‘em and squeeze ‘em because the benefits of that contact go far beyond the moment!

Sources:

Tamekia Reece, Parent and Child, Scholastic.com, May 2014

Tiffany Field, Ph.D., Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami

Joseph Pinzone, M.D., University of California, Los Angeles

Kathy Gruver, Ph.D., Conquer Your Stress with Mind/Body Techniques