A Day In The Life of This School Psychologist

As the long rays of the summer sun dwindle and I begin to hear the squawk of a bird that in my mind signifies the end of the cicadas' summer party, I think about getting back to work.  I think about this prospect with enthusiasm and excitement (even after 23 years on the job!!) That's because I happen to have one of the most rewarding and exciting jobs on the planet!  I am a school psychologist. 

To many people, the school psychologist might be someone who shows up to meetings in fancy clothes and goes over reports regarding "Intelligence Quotients"

and "Standard Deviations".  Believe me, I like dressing up as much as the next gal, but if that was all I did, I'd be missing out on so much of what this job has to offer!  On a daily basis, I am amazed, challenged, frustrated, educated, and loved! 

Unlike my colleagues in the classroom who can and usually do follow a pretty prescribed schedule of daily events...8:20 -Science, 9:15 -Computers, etc., my schedule may look like this: 8:20 - Observe Johnny in Math, but at 8:00 I might get a call from a frantic parent who can't convince their child that coming to school would be a great idea today!  Now we need to come up with a plan to help reduce the child's anxiety, reinforce coming to school and provide the support that the distraught parent needs to get through this harrowing event!  So I wind up catching up with Johnny a little later after our School-Resister has stopped hyperventilating and their parent is fully convinced that we will be able to provide the safety and security that their child needs to feel comfortable at school.  Mission accomplished! 

After that, I get to engage with Kindergarteners to teach the importance of being Mindful and how the different parts of our brains are responsible for our emotional reactions and our memories!  Heavy stuff, but you would be amazed at how excited they are to learn about it!  Next, I might get a call from a teacher regarding an on-going struggle between three girls in her second grade class.  Could I do a mediation with these ladies to get to the bottom of the problem and encourage more positive interactions between them? Of course I can!  Allowing these young ladies a safe forum for sharing their feelings of insecurity and loneliness enables them to get a deeper understanding of each others’ perspectives and a healthier relationship emerges!  A team meeting may follow which enables all the service providers, i.e. Speech Therapist, Learning Center Instructor, Reading Specialist, and me, to collaborate with a classroom teacher to construct behavior modification plans to help improve a particular child's attending skills or reduce impulsive/disruptive behavior.  Strategies are shared, data is reviewed and we walk away with a better understanding of the student's needs and what we will do to address them.  One of my favorite parts of the day is lunch time and not just because I'm a food-junkie!  It is because it is my chance to work with students in small groups to improve social skills, build communication skills and encourage friendships all while eating and playing games!  When an impulsive group of first graders remembers the group rules for not interrupting each other and compromises to solve the problem of what game to play with win-win results, I'm like a proud momma watching her children "play nice" with each other!

Of course it's not always a smooth ride and there are times when all my best efforts and practices are not enough to make an immediate difference for a child who has lost a parent, for example. But knowing that I will be there to support and listen to this child as he or she processes the loss is something I can do over time to help the healing begin. 

My day might end with another lesson in the Kindergarten classroom using a program called DUSO (Developing Understanding of Self and Others) in which I use a Dolphin puppet to tell stories and teach children valuable life lessons.  I leave the room with the most adorable little people shouting, "Bye DUSO, see you next week!"  They may even run up to give me a hug as I leave the room.  I truly feel that these hugs have a life-giving force and I sincerely can't get enough of it!  So I say goodbye to the summer days of sunbathing on the bow of our boat on Highland Lake because I must get back to my happy place, my job as a school psychologist. 

Summer Reading for Moms and Dads

Every year you receive your child’s last report card and it says, “Johnny or Susie should continue reading this summer to maintain his/her skills.”   I would like to suggest that we, as parents, do the same.  We can take this opportunity while our children are away or otherwise occupied to hone our own skills by reading the works of some influential people in the field of parenting.   That way when the school year begins again on September 1^st, not only would we have maintained our skills, we may even have a little more knowledge and some tricks up our sleeve to navigate the very difficult waters of parenthood!  Here are some Summer Reading Suggestions for parents that were made by educational psychologist and consultant, Lori Day (loridayconsulting.com).  Enjoy and Happy Reading!

1.     Get to know the work of Peggy Orenstein, author of Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture. Ms. Orenstein has one of the most prominent and influential voices in today's debate about the effects of media and marketing on female development and the modern perception of girls. If you're looking for someone who flat-out gets it, look no further.
2.  Get to know the work of Michael Thompson. He is the author of Speaking of Boys: Answers to the Most-Asked Questions About Raising Sons, as well as the co-author, with Dan Kindlon, of the New York Times best-selling book, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. His latest book, It's a Boy!, is a comprehensive guide for the parents of boys.
3.  Focus on reading and the important role of fathers. Chris Singer-stay-at-home dad, reader, blogger, social entrepreneur and technology wizard-uses his BookDads website to review children's books, blog about issues affecting children today, and promote the crucial role of fathers. Check Chris out at http://www.BookDads.com. He's got a lot to say about the kind of world he wants for his own daughter, and the relative absence of fathers' voices when it comes to the issue of society's sexualization of young girls.
4.  Read Richard Louv's Last Child in the Woods. In this influential work about the staggering divide between children and the outdoors, child advocacy expert Richard Louv directly links the lack of nature in the lives of today's wired generation--he calls it nature-deficit--to some of the most disturbing childhood trends, such as the rises in obesity, attention disorders, and depression.
5.  Promote mental health and resilience in kids. Find out what father and character educator Patrick McMillan has accomplished on behalf of his own children, and all of our children, at http://www.kidscandoanything.com. Patrick's programs An Exercise in Happiness and Attracting Happiness help kids determine what really makes them feel happy and how happiness can become a habitual way of being. When we think good thoughts about ourselves, the world we live in and about our future, we feel good, and when we feel good we do well by taking action on our good thoughts and feelings.

Highly Effective Mothering

As we are finally seeing the first signs of spring with the birth of baby geese along our highways (never understood why that is considered prime real-estate for raising a family!)  and Mother's Day rapidly approaching, I write this for all the mothers out there who spend countless hours wondering, "Am I doing this whole mothering- thing right?"  For anyone who hasn't wondered this, I want to know your secret (or maybe you just don't care!)  In any case, we are influenced by an infinite number of  factors that provide us with the criteria for achieving the coveted  "highly effective" status as a parent.  And just as the results of standardized tests may not be the most accurate or appropriate judge for whether a teacher is highly effective, some of the standards we hold ourselves to as moms are not appropriate either!  

At this point, most of my children are past the point where I feel that any and all decisions and actions I make will have some direct impact on them, I still remember the days when waking up and getting to a soccer game on time with the right child, in the right uniform with the right equipment (water bottle, cleats, snacks, etc.) was the goal and I was successful if I was able to accomplish this!  It didn't matter if I was a raving lunatic rummaging through the hamper of dirty clothes to find the uniform top ten minutes before the game!  On other days, if I was able to stay awake while my child was asking me to help them with their Haiku poem at 7:00pm - I earned the gold star for that day!  Some may think that my standards are somewhat low...who couldn't do those things?  However, by celebrating my little day to day successes throughout the years, I was able to handle the disappointment when my oldest couldn't quite balance his new-found freedom and the responsibilities of learning on his own during his first year at college and had to return home due to poor grades.

Our parenting competencies get called into question over so many things our children do and say and by so many sources.  One mother I spoke to recently was concerned that there must be something she was doing wrong because her five year old was still wetting the bed.  Another felt criticized by her own parents because her  four year old preferred using her fingers rather than utensils during a family dinner of spaghetti and meatballs.  The glances we get from other parents as our child is having a melt-down during dance class or after making the last out at their baseball game are all judgements of our parenting skills and on any given day, those judgements can overwhelm us and make us question what God was thinking when he allowed us to become parents!  To keep ourselves from falling into despair on those occasions,  we must focus on what we do right!  The time when the woman in the pew behind me at church leaned over and said, "Your children are so well behaved!" at the end of mass was something I carried with me as the antidote to the stares, tisks and, disapproving glances I used to get when they were battling each other to push the shopping cart at the grocery store!  

We worry and wonder if we are doing the hardest job in the world highly effectively with no formal training (and sometimes we are using the "What not to do"  approach if our own parents left some emotional scarring!)  So for Mother's Day this year, let's give ourselves the gift of understanding that there are many things that go into making our children who they and some are out of our control,  forgiveness for the  mistakes we make day-to-day and the wisdom to know that at the end of the day if we have tried hard to stay positive and focus on the good within each of our children...we are G.E.M.s (Good Enough Moms!)

Navigating Social Media with our Kids

Over the last week, Mr. Sinanis and I have conducted some cyber etiquette/ cyber bullying workshops with the third, fourth and fifth grade students and as usual, I think I learned more than they did!  Our 8 – 11 year olds are savvy consumers and users of social media.  They know the ins and outs of apps like Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook.  These young people are being given seemingly harmless, one could even say educational devices like, Kindle Fires, ipads, Nooks, ipod touches and iphones, without so much as a thought that there is danger lurking under the shiny black surface.  There is no warning from the Surgeon General on the label of these products that says they could be harmful to your emotional well-being. 

During our visits, we were told of “Beauty Contests” that are held on Instagram where viewers are asked to rate the pictures of some willing and some not-so-willing contestants.  It sounded like even truck drivers would blush at some of the language used in the comments on the pictures posted on Instagram according to the kids.  The children spoke of being blackmailed in text messages to force them not to rat out the black mailer. The spreading of rumors using group chats was discussed and we got a few comments related to unknown parties making inappropriate, unkind comments on pictures posted on Instagram. 

The lure of social media is extremely strong.  In a 2012 review article in Personality and Individual Differences called “Why Do People Use Facebook?” Boston University psychologist Stefan Hofmann, PhD, broke down the site’s appeal into two areas: the need to belong and the need for self-presentation.  Facebook, Hofmann says, satisfies both of those basic needs.  So for a pre-adolescent whose goal in life right now is to establish themselves among their peers as someone worth knowing and being around, the draw is even greater!  The thought is, “I follow the kid who posted that sexy photo of the woman in the bikini!  I’m gonna “like” it and forward it to 20 friends who will then know how cool I am!” 

So how do we help our kids navigate the extremely rough waters of social media usage? 

• First of all, we have to be informed!  It is so important to stay in touch with what your kids are doing and talking about.  Ask questions, be nosy and stay in the loop!
• Next, we have to set some ground rules for social media usage.  Those apps are so darn easy to load and they are free, so with the touch of a finger, the kids are up and running with the latest tweets, posts and pictures. 
• It is perfectly o.k. for you to let them know that they may only join a social media site with your approval, and then check out their apps (even if you have to wait until they are asleep to do so!)  The next rule is you must be able to “Friend” them or follow them on any of those sites.  Their knowledge that you will see everything that they see and post may not stop them from doing foolish things, (I know because I occasionally cringe when I see what my 19 year old son posts every now and then) but at least you will know and can address it before it gets out of control. 
• Another important rule for social media usage is that they must share their passwords to these sites with you. We stressed this with the kids a great deal – their passwords are PRIVATE to everyone, even their BFFs, but they must be shared with their parents.  
• Finally, don’t be afraid to say something if you see something disturbing.  As parents, we must stick together and have each others’ backs to help in the navigation process.  There is nothing wrong in calling the parents of a child who is either posting inappropriate things or is having unkind things said about them in posts, as long as the call is made without passing judgment on the child and is made strictly to help set the child on the right path or protect them from insult and ridicule.   I’m sure John and Kelly Halligan (Ryan’s Story – Bullying and Cyberbullying prevention program) would have appreciated a call from another parent if they knew the extent of the cyberbullying their son Ryan was being subjected to prior to taking his own life at thirteen years old.   

We have reinforced with the kids that they must take action and not be passive bystanders in the cyber world.  They must block or not follow people that are being unkind... even if those people are their “good friends” and they must inform an adult. On-line behavior has real-life consequences and we want them to feel empowered to act if they are uncomfortable with what they are seeing on-line.  Help them to be powerful by knowing that you are their allies and they can be the change for good in cyberspace.   

The Ins and Outs of Popularity

The idea of being popular is intriguing and enticing to many.  It is portrayed in movies and T.V. shows as the 'end-all-be-all' to social survival.  No matter what the social group:  the moms on our block, the second grade kids in the class or the toddlers in a playgroup, we see the effects of popularity in all of those social settings.  One interesting aspect of popularity is the idea that it doesn't matter how many friends you have...if they aren't the "right ones"  (the ones with high social status) you may not be considered popular.  "Even very young kids know who has the social power in the classroom, " says Tracy Vaillancourt, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Ottawa, "and by fifth or sixth grade, popularity can become nearly all-consuming."  So what is it about these kids that make them "popular" and is it necessarily something we want our kids to aspire to?  

One very wise third/fifth grade teacher I used to work with once had a discussion with her students about popularity.  She, along with her class, came to the realization that it is not necessarily the smart, or the kind, or sensitive kids who are popular, it is the kids who are the loudest, who command the most attention, that are usually considered the most popular.  Vaillancourt agrees saying, "They understand who sets the rules, including which kids get to play.  The others need to conform, or at least not challenge them."  But what about the kid who doesn't necessarily want to conform to everything the loud, "popular" kids want to do?  Parents stress about this all the time!  They ask, "Why can't she just join 'that' group?  I know she doesn't like singing and dancing in front of other people, but it's what all 'those' kids are doing during recess."   Or they try to convince their violin virtuoso son that it is much more important to join the soccer team because that's what all his 'friends' are doing.  As well meaning as these comments and attempts are at trying to make their kids happier and more socially connected; it doesn't necessarily yield the best results.  The subtle message in this approach is that in order to have friends, the child has to do things they don't necessarily want to do.    This is just the precursor to peer pressure in middle and high school when friends may encourage your child to engage in risky behavior in order to remain in high social status.   Instead, it is much more supportive to show him or her that their interests are important.  In fact, it is usually the independent thinkers and the kids who are unwilling to conform who become successful adults!  

Dr. Robert Faris, Ph.D. and sociology professor at the University of California - Davis, took a look at the toll popularity can take on kids.  He found that the most popular kids are hit with more peer pressure.  If anyone remembers the iconic film, The Breakfast Club, you'll recall how hard it was for the popular girl, Claire (Molly Ringwald) and the popular, athletic boy, Andy (Emillio Estevez) to agree to say hello to the nerd, Brian (Anthony Michael Hall) or the basket case, Allie (Allie Sheedy) in school on Monday after they spent a very emotional day together in detention.  "Our friends just wouldn't understand." was the rationale proposed by Claire.  She also said very tearfully and heartfelt, "You don't understand how hard it is for us." (meaning herself and Andy) regarding dealing with peer pressure. 

So the take home message is popularity may not be all it’s cracked up to be and as parents our job should be to support our children in their interests and provide them with the understanding that being true to themselves in the long run is much more important than following “the crowd.” 

Reference:

Rowley, Barbara; Does Popularity Really Matter?; parenting.com/article/popularity

Keep the Focus Positive

I am sick to my stomach that my December blog post is about the horrific events that took place on Friday December 14th in Sandy Hook Elementary School.  I was hoping to talk about the wonderful efforts of our community to help others in need like our high school did to raise money for Hurricane Sandy victims and our own school is doing to provide toys to sick children for the holidays.  Unfortunately, this situation has taken over the spotlight of not only the evening news, but Facebook posts, Twitter feeds and discussions between friends all over the place.  On Friday evening, I took a look at my Facebook newsfeed and almost every post was about the shooting.  There was anger, indignation, and hostility in the posts of my younger Facebook friends, but the resounding emotion in the posts of my Facebook friends who are parents was fear.  "I hugged my children a little tighter today as I dried my tears for the families that lost their children," was one such post. I certainly understand that feeling, but I also know how our strong emotions get transmitted to our kids and fear is as contagious as the common cold!  

I think back to 9/11 and the children that had the most anxious and long-lasting negative reaction were not necessarily the children who lost a relative or a friend in the towers, but the children who were taken out of school and perched in front of the T.V. with their parents to watch the horrific events over and over again.  I am aware that our media-thirsty society is over-run with information about sensational and terrifying events, but that doesn't mean that we have to succumb to its exposure.  I also recognize that my own personal approach to dealing with these types of unthinkable situations is to do just that...not think about them!  I believe the clinical term for the way I choose to deal with these things is the "Head-in-the-Sand Approach," which isn't necessarily the most effective.  So we need to find a balance between scaring our children and pretending that the world is a perfect place - ignoring the fact that terrible things do happen.  I think one way to do this is to start by asking our kids what they know about the situation.  If they have a broad framework of the disaster, that is sufficient.  Details are unnecessary at this time.  Judgment is also unnecessary.  We don't know why people do the things they do and when someone kills themselves after killing others, we will never know their true motivations, and this is something we can explain to kids.  Sometimes there are no answers.  So now would be a good time to focus on the supportive reactions of those first responders to the Sandy Hook Elementary School and the wonderful and generous Newtown community members who are collecting stuffed animals for the young scarred survivors of the attack.  

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, " Look for the helpers.  You will always find people who are helping."  To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world."  - Fred "Mr." Rogers.

So after a tragedy of this magnitude; instead of letting fear dictate our fate or that of our children, let's empower our kids to be helpers.  Watch this youtube video to get you in the helping mood.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ID0kgP9IVhs 

Managing After Super Storm Sandy

For many of us, this was the first time we have ever experienced the type of natural disaster that makes our local community unrecognizable.  It's also one of the few times that we have had extended periods with no power, heat or drinkable water.  Conditions like these create stress and a lot of it!  Our ability to cope with this high level of stress is influenced by many factors.  In addition, our coping skills and abilities will impact how our children react as well.  So here are some things we should know and do  in the wake of Sandy that will help the healing process and allow us to regain control over our lives.

First off, recognizing and accepting that everyone's reactions to the trauma differ and should not be judged as wrong or right is one thing that should be remembered.  Some of us get energized by distress and look to relieve it in physical ways...chopping wood, cleaning the house, etc.  Others of us need quiet time to take in the magnitude of everything and create a plan for what to do next.  Can you imagine the conflict that might erupt if a husband and a wife display these drastically different coping styles?  Believe me, it's not pretty!  But what must be understood is that neither way is better than the other and appreciation of the fact that we handle things differently can be very productive.

An important research finding from Dr. S.R. Maddi (2002) that looked at resiliency in the face of trauma, identified three key beliefs that helped people turn adversity into an advantage. Those three beliefs were commitment, control and challenge attitudes.  The Commitment attitude led individuals to strive to be involved in ongoing events, rather than feeling isolated. The Control attitude led them to struggle and try to influence outcomes, rather than lapse into passivity and powerlessness. The Challenge attitude led them to view stress changes, whether positive or negative, as opportunities for new learning.  These attitudes were something we put to good use in our house over the last week.  Feeling blessed that our power was restored relatively quickly, I still felt a sense of helplessness for the people who had lost so much in the storm.  In order to regain some control and recognizing that we have a commitment to a larger community, my kids and I started scouring our house for things we could donate to help out in the short-term.  It was amazing how empowering it was to be able to provide warm coats, blankets, boots, backpacks, sweaters, hats and gloves to people who really needed them (not to mention the added bonus of cleaning out our closets!).  I strongly recommend contacting your local houses of worship or the Boy/ Girl scout organizations in your area to find out how to donate these types of items.

Another really easy but very impactful way to help alleviate the stress we experience after a trauma is to open up and write about it.  In a classic 1988 study, Dr. James Pennebaker proved that deep disclosure improves mood, objective and subjective health, and the ability to function well.  So get to your journals, diaries, blogs and facebook posts and let your emotions flow!  Even our young kids can benefit from this type of intervention by drawing pictures of what they remember about the storm and dictating a description of the picture to you so you can write it for them.

Something we learned from the aftermath of 9/11, was that too much exposure to the media coverage of a disaster has extremely negative effects on the viewers.  Even if you didn't personally experience damage and loss of property from Sandy, the images on the news of leveled homes and flooded streets can create stress and anxiety within you and your children, so if you have power...a SpongeBob marathon may not be the worst thing for your children to view right now.

Of course, if you or your child are experiencing persistent anxiety and prolonged distress related to the hurricane that disrupts daily functioning, please be in touch so that I can help educate you about normal responses to extreme stress and make a plan for moving forward.